Winter Rears Its Ugly Head in My Head

A week go today I woke up in Vegas. I had a great weekend there and then I got home to reality. Which is usually what happens when you go anywhere that is not your usual daily routine. It was cold-ish in Vegas, but only in the morning. Other than that, the weather was perfect and we had a great time. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. Pictures included.

Ever since I got back, I’ve been in a funk. I guess I was in a funk before I even went. You all can probably pick out when my mind has gotten away from itself. Those are the days the blog is missing in action. It starts off slow. I miss a day or two. Write a day or two. That’s when I’m trying to talk myself into being happy. A lot of times it works. I’m really good at tricking myself (and others) into believing I’m the happiest person on Earth. And maybe I am. Because I certainly am not unhappy. I’m anxious.

Even my close friends don’t believe that I have the anxiety to the levels I do because I fake it really well. I guess 3 years of drama class in high school paid off. Because I am the queen of “I’m good, I’m great, I’m fantastic,” even when I’m not. Maybe it’s not fair to my friends to pretend I’m always fine. Especially when I know I’m not really, but it’s more for my own mental well-being than anybody else’s. Because when I’m not fine, like right now, I’m withdrawn, I keep to myself, I just stay in, I want to cry.

I didn’t leave my house all weekend. Except for Friday night when Mel (my 16 year old) broke his wrist. We spent a couple hours at the Emergency room getting that all fixed up. Well, temporarily fixed up. I’m waiting on the ortho to call me back now for an appointment. The ER doc said they don’t think it will require surgery. I’m hoping it doesn’t. He took it well all things considered. He probably won’t be able to play basketball for the rest of the season, but that’s just me talking. We haven’t gotten confirmation on that.

Aside from that little adventure, I stayed in all weekend. Unboyfriend even text me both Saturday night and Sunday night and I ignored him. I didn’t want to be bothered with him either. But that’s been that way long before December got comfy in my head.

I don’t like to use the term mental illness when referring to my anxiety because I know lots of other people have it way worse than I do and I feel their pain. Especially December through March.

It’s funny, I can time my anxiety and I guess, depression, by the calendar. Whenever it’s started to set in, I’ve headed South the last few years. Last year at this time, I was in Florida. The year before I was in Florida getting on a cruise to Jamaica. Last week I was in Vegas (which I guess is West).  I spend money I don’t have to get out of my head temporarily. To try to forget that I don’t want to get out of bed. To try to forget that I am miserable for no reason. To try to forget that every night I go to sleep, I fall asleep to the irregular beating of my heart because that’s when my panic sets in and I refuse to medicate it with drugs that make my world grey all the time. I went that route once and it wasn’t for me. Instead, I sit with my face up to sunshine any time it is out and eat B12 vitamins by the handful. I watch extra comedies and stay away from the sappy tear jerkers. I change the station from Country to trap music. All in an effort to not slip  into this anti-social abyss that I slip into every year. I say yes to go places and do things I don’t really want to do because I know it’s good for me to get out of the house. I wake up with the intention to clean my house everyday because I know it will make me feel better, but as soon as I get done with work, I sink into this dark void in my head that doesn’t allow me to do much more than shower and go to bed. And I tell myself, at least I’m showering, which is more than a lot of people who are depressed or anxious. And I count down to spring because historically speaking that’s where my sanity lies.

So I will try to keep writing because my sanity lies there too, but if I disappear randomly, it’s just because I’m trying to shake off the winter like snow stuck to fur hood. And if you invite me somewhere and I say yes, I will try my hardest to actually show up. And if I say no, don’t take it personal, I’m being held hostage by the cold and I will escape soon enough.

I didn’t write all of that for anyone to be concerned about me. I’m the last person in the world you need to be concerned about. I will always be smiling and I will always be OK. I mostly just shared it because it’s true when they say you never know what other people are going through and although on the outside everything looks perfect, things aren’t always as they seem, but they will work out.

So love your friends even when they need to disappear. And when they come back, be there. As for me, I will attempt to keep writing daily and if I miss a day or two, just know I will be back in a day or two or ten….