The Job Search That’s Going to Send Me Spiraling

I haven’t had to actively look for a job in over 3 or 4 years. All the jobs I’ve had, people have recruited me for. And even before that. I always get offered jobs when I’m working at some other job. I think it’s probably because there’s not really a job that I’m not good at. I can pretty much do anything. And if I don’t know how to do it, I am very teachable.

A blessing and a curse.

I spent all day applying for jobs online. I filled out no less than 20 applications. From delivering for Instacart and Shipt to manager positions at Dunkin Donuts to a Warehouse position to a telemarketer position and everything in between.

I couldn’t get excited about any of them. I honestly don’t have a passion for anything but writing. I can be good at whatever I’m getting paid to do, but I won’t be happy. I will definitely have to fake that shit every single day. Which is also not a problem because I’m really good at pretending everything is fine. I’ve been doing it for most of my adult life. It’s one of my superpowers.

But now that the reality has set in that I will, more than likely, be working some “real job” by this time next week, I already feel myself dipping into the depths of disappointment and depression. I haven’t showered since Friday. The only time I got out of the bed today was to drop my kid off to swim, pick him up, and to complete a few applications on my computer because I couldn’t do it on my phone. But I did the majority of the applications on my phone.

I also signed back up to one of my not-so-favorite online dating sites. If I’m going to be miserable for the next year, I might as well go on dates so I can at least be drunk on someone else’s dime… I’m totally laughing at that because it’s not true at all. I don’t like to drink that much. And there aren’t enough quality men online to even go with super often.

I have decided that tomorrow (which is today by the time you read this) will be better. I’m not very good at the “boohoo, poor me” stuff. I’m more of a “suck it up and quit acting like a fucking baby” kind of person. I lack sympathy for everyone including myself. I know there are jobs out there. So I know I will be able to get one even if I hate myself every second. And I know that makes me lucky that I am marketable and sociable and employable. But it doesn’t make me happy. Because I also know that I will never be paid what I’m worth because I don’t have a “degree” and that just sucks. And possibly because I feel like I’m worth at least $200 an hour. And not just as a sex worker which I couldn’t find any applications for. (yes, I’m laughing again).

But fuck it. Life goes on whether you get to work from the comfort of your home or you have to work for some corporation that never appreciates you or your effort. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. God, I am just so positive today.

I guess it’s time to sleep it off…. See ya on the flip side.

PS. I did meet a Scottish guy online. Yes. He has the accent. And the kilt…

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