Trying to Be the Wingman

It’s been a few days since I posted a blog. I started that new job last week. It’s awesome. I really like it as far as leaving the house and going to make someone else’s dream come true goes. It could be a whole lot worse. So I am not complaining at all. I will say that I was completely exhausted last week. I think it was because I was dog sitting for a friend so I had to get up an extra hour early to go to his house and feed his dogs and take them out. This week should be easier. It won’t take long before I’m acclimated to commuting and office life again. I mean, I’ve only worked at home for a year. I’ve worked for someone else my whole entire life. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long to get back in the habit of it. Especially if it’s paying the bills, right?

I didn’t do too much this weekend. I drank most of Saturday. But not in a depressing all alone kind of way. I was hanging out with my brother’s friend. Well, he’s my friend too. And my sister’s ex-boyfriend. If that’s not a love triangle, I don’t know what is. He called me Friday night about a half-drowned bunny that showed up at his house. I was way too tired Friday night to go deal with it. So I went to bed and told him if it was alive on Saturday, I’d come to take it to the rehabber. It was still alive Saturday. I called the rehabber and she said to pick it up and put my ear against its chest to make sure it wasn’t wheezing. When I tried to do that, the feisty little fucker jumped and scared the shit out of me. We determined that he was probably able to just be set free since he didn’t seem injured. He was just waterlogged the night before, but he had since dried. So we set him free. Then the friend and I set out to downtown for brunch. We went to my favorite spot, The Tomato Head. I had the eggrolls, he had a sandwich and a salad.

I always admire people who make good food choices for brunch. I don’t. I never have. I want a smothered in gravy biscuit. Or the eggrolls which are like pizza rolls but with breakfast food inside, or waffles. And, of course, hot Chai tea with extra honey.

I don’t think I have ever (or will ever) order a salad for brunch. Lunch? Sure. Dinner? Sure. Brunch is sacred to me. If I can’t have the hearty, not-so-good for me food, I’ll probably just skip brunch altogether.

That’s my schpeel on that. So we finished lunch. I grabbed some veggies and some berries from the farmer’s market took them home and went back downtown. Friend invited me to have a drink.

“Whatever you want. It’s on me.”

As you know, I don’t drink very often. But when it’s free drinks, I turn into a professional drinker. We started with Mimosas, then vodka and pineapple, then we moved to one of my other favorite bars and I had a grapefruit beer. This was over a 6 hour-ish period. So I wasn’t sloppy drunk or anything. I don’t even really like to drink before the sun goes down. But sometimes you just gotta live life.

Then friend and I started talking about dating. He’s been single since him and my sister broke up. Talk about being in love. I don’t even think I’ve ever dated anyone long enough or had someone love me enough to pine over me or have to take years to get over me (not that I’m saying that’s what is happening, I’m just generally talking shit).

So I asked him if he was online dating at all. Of course, he wasn’t. But he had. So had I. So we compared notes. Here’s a funny thing that I have found. Men are not very confident. Especially the ones who should be. And the ones who shouldn’t be, have all the damn confidence in the world and you’re thinking, “why?”

So this guy is successful. Has his own house. Has his own car. No kids. Takes care of his shit. And yet, he won’t hit on the bartender. I have another friend, Mister (you may know him as the super hot married guy who I wouldn’t have sex with until he left his wife but we became such good friends that by time he left his wife, there was no point in ruining the friendship- Plus he’s still in love with her and hoping to patch it up). Whew, that was a mouthful. Anywho, Mister is tall, super good looking. Has these gorgeous dimples you could swim in. He’s a super nice guy. And he won’t approach a woman either. He says he doesn’t know how. Also has his own place and has his shit mostly together. Does have a couple kids, but that’s usually the case.

So here I am telling friend that he just needs to go for it, because who cares if a woman says no. There are more women. Just keep asking. Eventually, he will get a yes. And I’ve given Mister this talk before too. Although his goes something like, “dude, I know you own a mirror. Any woman would be crazy to turn you down. Unless they are married or lesbians.”

I told friend that I was going to introduce him to Mister and they could wingman for each other. I had offered to wingman for them, but I think my presence would run women off before it would attract women to them. You know, since my awesomeness is intimidating (apparently to both sexes), but that’s a story for tomorrow.

For today, I will just say to all you single men, just do the damn thing. Sure, it’s scary. Yes, women can be bitches. Yes, you may get turned down. And if you do, move on. There are a million more women in town. Just keep pushing.


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