Not Going to Ruin a Good Thing for a Bad Habit

Today turned out way better in reality than it started in my head. Anxiety is a cruel lover. I hate that I can come up with every single negative scenario that could possibly ever happen, all before breakfast. But all the problems were in my head. Bossman apologized for being not so nice on Saturday. He said it wasn’t my fault. He was having a bad day. Bonus points for him on admitting to being human. I haven’t worked for very many bosses who would do that. So after we talked, the rest of the day was smooth sailing for the most part. I stayed a little late to get caught up. It’s so much easier to do when I’m not irritated and on edge. I also saw Nate for a little bit tonight. He lives a few minutes from my job.  He cooked dinner for me. We had a mushroom, spinach alfredo pizza. I keep saying I’m going to quit the cheese and the Ben & Jerry’s. But for the most part, I’m a filthy dairy eating liar. We watched some of the Yankees game until I got tired and the Yankees weren’t winning so I decided I could go home and get some sleep. It’s fall break so the kiddo doesn’t have school, which means I can get 30 extra minutes of sleep and still get to work early if I set my alarm just right. I did it this morning, although, I didn’t get to work early. But that was mostly because I like to talk to one of the besties on my way so if I go too early, she can’t talk or we can only talk for a second before I get to work, and where is the fun in that?

Unboyfriend text me tonight. He wanted me to come over. I told him earlier in the week that I was on a date. He only said, “Kool.” And then I didn’t hear anything from him until today. I haven’t seen him since I started seeing Nate. The decent human side of me said that it would be cheating Nate. Not to be confused with cheating ON Nate. But I just thought that it would be unfair to give any of my time or attention to unboyfriend who doesn’t go out of his way AT ALL for me and to take that time and attention away from Nate who went all the way out of his way to get me a gift just because he liked the way my face lit up when I picked it up. I know I have my moments of indecency and assholishness, but I would never intentionally be a dick or do something hurtful to someone who seemingly already cares a great deal for me. To me, that is where bad Karma comes in. So unboyfriend was politely blown off again. I told him I was in my pajamas. He knows when I say that it means I’m in for the night. Not coming out. Not giving up the booty. He will eventually find someone else. I will eventually break the news to him about Nate, but like I said, he doesn’t really care. It’s not like I could ever hurt his feelings. He might get salty because I’m not at his convenience anymore, but he always gets over it. After all, I’ve stopped seeing him a time or two for other people that I thought I cared about. And I don’t want to negate my feelings for him, but just to put things in perspective, we’ve been doing this unboyfriend thing for almost 5 years. One of his daughters is getting married and I thought for a split second that he was going to invite me to be his plus one. And then he didn’t. And it made me realize that we are as far as we are ever going to be and that is sex, tequila, and 4 am alarm clocks. That’s not what I want my future to look like. I want it to look like Sunday drives and long conversations after breakfast while walking around. And you can’t see what’s in front of you if you have someone standing in the way. So I opted to get everything out of my way and just see Nate for now. I guess that means I have a “boyfriend” or “manfriend” or “sig other” or something. I hate labels. They stress me out. But labels aside, I have someone who thinks about me when he doesn’t have to and it’s not just about sex. It may not be about sex at all. And in an effort to be a decent human, I’m going to give it 90%. Maybe even 100% if I can figure out what that looks like. Either way, I’m not going to ruin a good thing for a bad habit. That much is certain.

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