I’m taking a break from blogging. You are probably saying, “no shit, we can tell.” But I just wanted to tell you, the faithful readers, why. I have found myself in one of the darkest spaces I have ever been in. Not suicidal or anything like that, just always on the verge of tears and feeling restless discontent in my soul. And I don’t know how to write upbeat and talk about my adventures when I am not feeling upbeat or having any adventures.
So I’ve decided to take my self care to the next level and instead of going into my dark hole, I’m going to try to find a light hole. One that involves self care and a disappearing act from all the self-destructive behavior that I have a tendency to get into. I’m shooting for 28 days to start. Like a recovery program. I’m doing a 28 day health cleanse. So I thought while I am taking care of the food I put into my body, maybe I should be aware of the people I let into my body too. And since that list seems to be causing me nothing but grief and heartache and more discontent, I’m taking a break from men as well. I’m going to be selfish for the first time in my life. If it doesn’t involve my children, I am not getting involved.
My most recent giving of myself to try and help someone fix themselves, not only backfired in my face, but it completely depleted me of the last bit of faith I had in humanity and I am spent.
I spent the whole day trying to cry the heartbreak out of my system. Usually when you lose someone once, it doesn’t hurt again as bad the second time… unless of course, you put every ounce of energy you had into a second chance only for it to blow up in your face even though you knew it would. I know I’m being rather aloof, but honestly, I just feel so fucking stupid, I’d rather not re-hash the whole scenario so the world can tell me that I should have known better. I know I should have known better, but I thought for one brief second God sent him back to me so we could grow old together and I was quite ready for that to happen until the joke was on me and I guess the message I was supposed to receive instead of my happily ever after was more of a finger wag in my face and a message of “You are a stupid, stupid girl who never learns her lesson. Quit trusting people to be as good as you hope.”
I think I’m done for now. I’m done with everything. And everyone.
I do admit that writing is good for my soul and I will continue to do that. I just don’t know if I will continue to post it here because I hate when I start blogging like a real person who has bad days. I prefer writing the upbeat stuff and my promiscuous lighthearted adventures. So maybe if the mood strikes me, I will blog here. But for the most part, I will probably just journal and not publish. Plus, who wants to continuously read about someone who can’t get their life together and just keeps falling apart?
Not me. I’ll pass on all that negativity. And so I’ll pass on putting it out into the universe. We already have enough negative shit to deal with.
So, I’ll probably be gone until the new year and then I’ll be back with a daily something of positivity. I hope to see you all back here for a much better 2019.
Enjoy the holidays with your family. Tell people you love them even if they don’t ever say it back. And buy dinner for a stranger.
See you on the flip side.