My therapist asked me last week if Flea Market guy and I would consider couples therapy. I always had a picture in my mind that couples therapy was really marriage therapy. And since we aren’t married, it seemed like a foreign concept to me.
We got on the topic because she asked me how satisfied I was with my current relationship. I told her that I wasn’t. Once we started exploring why, lots of the roads led to Flea Market Guy. I’m not one to point a finger, because as the old saying goes, “point a finger and you have 3 pointing at you.” Or something like that.
Plus, I’m a benefit of the doubt kind of girl. I love people until I’m exhausted. I give chance after chance. Make excuse after excuse. For shitty behavior. For poor life choices. If you need someone in your corner cheering you on even when you are being a shitty person, I’m the one. I guess you could say it’s a strength and a weakness.
I guess you could also say he is a strength and a weakness too. We have so many good things going for us when we are together in the same space. But when we are not, I might as well not even know him. And I’m self aware enough to know I deserve more, but I’m not conviced enough that I am willing to walk away yet.
But I did come close today. He agreed last week that he would come to therapy with me this week. That happens Tomorrow. But today, I was exhausted and drained. And I was also very much in love with myself. It’s so easy for me to pinpoint why I don’t deserve (insert anything here- happiness, joy, relationship, love, companionship, comfort, etc.) that I rarely sit around and think of all the reasons I do. Today, I was on my soapbox, adding watery compliments and just slipping and sliding away. By time I got off work, I had convinced myself that I DO deserve the best. I had listed all the things I was grateful for and all the reasons someone would be lucky to have me in their life.
And it was a pretty long list. I may have gone overboard, but I needed to hear that I was special to someone, even if that someone was me. I needed to take the advice I give to other women and turn it around on myself. So I did.
And when I saw Flea Market Guy and we started talking, he asked me to at least wait until Thursday after we talked to the therapist to make any rash decisions. Even though, it’s not really rash to me, because I think about it all the time. And I am thankful that he cared enough to at least want to go one time to see how and if we can fix things. That kind of meant the world to me. So, therapy it is. We will see how that goes.