Therapeutic Unresolve

Flea Market Guy and I went to therapy today. Well, he came to my therapy session upon the request of my therapist. I guess she wanted to know about this guy I’m blindly and stupidly head over heels for. We talked for the whole hour. He did a lot of the talking and she talked a lot to just him, which was fine. I wasn’t really feeling the need to be therapied today anyway. And like most days when Flea Market Guy and I part ways, I was still unsettled and nothing was resolved. I think he felt better and I’m happy about that. He talked about his drinking. And we talked about a couple other issues that are a thorn in my side. Mostly his ex girlfriend who he is still “friends” with. Sometimes I feel like I blow things way out of proportion because I’m just so used to dating shitty men, but then I think about the circumstances surrounding my feelings toward her like him saying that if he was ever going to get back with one of his exes it would be her and saying that she has told him that if he quit drinking, he could have any girl he wanted including her. All while still being logged in on her Netflix and Hulu account so I get to see her name every time we watch a movie and I immediately think he’d rather be watching it with her. He continues to say that’s not true. And I continue to distrust his words.

As of Monday, I had decided I was done with all of it and I was just going to go about my business and stop seeing him. He asked me to wait until today before I made any decisions. Today has come and gone and I still feel the same way.

I don’t know what I expected. I guess I was hoping for a miracle. An “aha” type of moment where everything just became crystal clear for me. I did not get what I was hoping for. Although, I’m not more confused. So I guess that is a plus. I just feel deflated. But only mildly because everything else in my life is going pretty good.

My job is really fruitful right now. My life is peaceful for the most part. Things keep going my way. I feel powerful in my skin. And I’m basically happy. Summer is here. My seasonal sadness has taken a back seat… really, it’s hidden in the trunk at this point. And there is really nothing in my life to complain about except for my dissatisfaction with Flea Market Guy and if I just ended it, there would be nothing to complain about.

But I can’t. Because love is blind and apparently sometimes delusional and overtly optimistic. So I just keep giving it one more day and one more day because I think things are going to turn around on that front too because everything else in my life is looking up.

The therapist suggested that he seek some one on one therapy with one of her coworkers. I’m not sure if he will take her advice. Ironically (or not so ironically), every single thing she suggested to him was a suggestion that I had already made. Maybe he needed to hear it from someone who wasn’t me.

For now, I will just keep giving it one more day until the day comes that I have no more days left and then I will politely turn around and walk away and never look back.