Until I Change My Mind Again

I rarely go back and read any of the blogs that I’ve written. Mostly because I write them in the moment. Just like this one. So I don’t feel the need to go back and rehash the emotions I was having at the moment of writing. I imagine the last few blogs were about Flea market guy. So just to update. That’s not happening anymore. Not because I don’t love him and not because he’s not a good guy. But because his drinking makes him less of a good guy. One who hurts me unintentionally with what he considers flirty behavior and I consider disrespectful behavior. There’s always a last straw. I reached mine for now. That’s not to say that I will never speak to him again. That’s not even to say that I don’t love him. I just pick me right now. I’m always giving and giving of my time, energy, money, space and heart. And usually it’s ok because my cup is mostly full all the time. I said it a while ago that I was going to be selfish and only worry about me. I’m not good at that because I literally worry about everyone. In the end, though, I’m giving more to others than I am giving to myself and I think at some point enough has to be enough. I’ve been working on boundaries. Especially with my mother. I’m not jumping at her every call. I haven’t actually talked to her in weeks. Maybe once or twice, but I’ve quit answering her calls. They go straight to voicemail. And then I don’t listen to the voicemails.

I know it sounds harsh. Selfish even, but I don’t really care. I’ve been going to therapy once a week. I can’t tell if it’s helping any. I mostly go and unload all my shit and on occasion she interjects something that usually consists of words like, “wow, you are really self aware” or “I was just going to say that to you” or “I’m glad you already know what you need to do.” On occasion she shoots it to me straight, but not once has she told me anything I don’t already know. I know I’m a caretaker by nature (or maybe nurture). I know that I try to fix everything broken. I know that I have no boundaries, even though I’m working really hard on them.

Apparently working on yourself doesn’t make you the asshole. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Also, I’m working myself to near death toggling between my old job and my new job, because the girl that took over at my old job just couldn’t time manage well enough to get anything done. Literally. Nothing. I’ve spent about 30 hours there from Saturday to Saturday, not to mention the 40 ish at my regular job. On top of my long days, add to it a severe case of insomnia and you’ve got what I can only describe as a cross between Hannibal and Amy on the Walking Dead after she turned. It hasn’t been pretty.

Almost 4 weeks of insomnia, that I was using Benadryl unsuccessfully to cure, was finally put to sleep last night. Literally. It wasn’t without the help of a sleep aid, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t gotten more than 3 straight hours of uninterrupted sleep in over a month. Last night I think I got 9 straight hours. And I woke up feeling like a new person. Or, like the old person that used to exist in me before sleep went on vacation.

Speaking of vacation, I’m going on a cruise next month. Flea market guy was supposed to go with me. We were supposed to drive to Florida. Again, just another thing that’s not going as planned because he drinks too much and I love too much. I knew when I booked it that he probably wouldn’t be going. Not that I mind going alone. My best friend will be there. I just really wanted her to meet him. I also really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And since the latter isn’t happening I guess it’s fine that the former isn’t either. I may take my kid if I can change the name on the ticket without too much effort. Or I may leave him here since he just got back from a 2 week beach vacation. It’s anybody’s guess. I really don’t want to drive all the way to Florida by myself though, which means, if there are no miracles where Flea Market Guy comes knocking on my door sober full of apologies and honest to God actions, I will probably try to fly so I can spend more time on the beach. Or maybe I’ll just suck it up and open the sunroof, roll down the windows on my fancy car and say fuck it and drive.

Do you see how back and forth I am? It’s no wonder my life is upside down. I can’t make a decision and stick with it. But that’s neither here nor there. I’m just going with it. Until I change my mind again.


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