I got to go with Flea Market Guy on a job today. He has gotten into real estate and property preservation and every now and again, I get to leave the comfort of our house to go help with a project. A couple of weeks ago, I helped put up some signs for an auction. Today, I got to help winterize a house.
I use the term “house” loosely. We had to go out a little past the boonies before we got to the house. It was situated in a cute little neighborhood full of old houses. The house was so old, the bathroom had been an addition that was added when they finally got rid of the outhouse. Yes, I am serious.
Whenever he comes home and tells me about the interior inspections he has to do at places, I’m always intrigued by what “might” have happened. When we pulled up to the house, the first thing I noticed was the “crime scene do not cross” tape that was wrapped around both of the columns on the front porch. I was immediately happy that we got to go winterize a murder house. I expected to walk in and see body chalk on the floor. But I was sorely disappointed when all I found was 27 pounds of mouse poop. All the mice left while we did our work, which I thought was really nice of them.
With old houses come old nosy neighbors. This house was no exception. The guy next door, I’ve named him BillyBob, came over and wanted to know what in tarnation we were doing. FMG told him that we had come to winterize the place. He then proceeded to tell us about the guy who lived in the house that has been empty for quite a few years.
Much to my chagrin, there was no murder. Just some drug dealings and some prostitution. While we were securing the windows and making sure it was looting-proof, we found a letter written from a girl who I will call, “Shonda” because I know a girl named Shonda and I think she’s a trashy whore so it seemed fitting. “Shonda” went to jail for violation of probation or some other crime. Judging (literally, I’m being judgy) by her basket of personals, she had a small drug problem and possibly had been abused by whatever man she was with. The man, who I’ve named “Jed” was basically a pimp. He had lots of girlfriends and he told them all that they were the one and the others didn’t matter. While “Shonda” was in jail, she got a letter from someone who I’ve named “Destiny.” Now “Destiny” was mad that “Shonda” was fooling around with her man and it didn’t matter when she was getting out of jail because he wasn’t going to be leaving ole Destiny to be with Shonda. So take that, Shonda!
I imagine old Jed went to jail before the three got their love triangle sorted out. I learned all that from a letter that was there. And if I were to let my imagination wander just a little bit more I can tell you the whole story of what happened including how Jed was on the pot taking a crap when the police busted in….
Jed’s mom and dad originally lived in the house. Mom was a nice old country lady. She had a basement full of mason jars that she used to can her homegrown tomatoes and green beans. Her husband, who loved her dearly, was the one who built the fancy new bathroom for her back in the 1960’s. And she loved him right back for it. Dad wasn’t all that well…. high blood pressure… diabetes… constipation (we found an enema bag)…. but mom, she took care of him. Then one day, suddenly, while she was washing the dishes, she dropped dead. Jed had just come in from going on a trip to the grocery store that mom sent him on. He set the paper grocery bags down in the kitchen and ran to his mother, Brenda. But he was too late. She laid on the kitchen floor in her pink nightgown and house shoes staring with lifeless eyes into the great unknown. Dad was so distraught, he went to bed and never woke up again. Jed wasn’t sure what to do after both his parents died, after all, the only thing he was really good at was doing drugs… and fucking. So after the morgue came and carted his parents away, he decided to turn his family home into the neighborhood brothel. He even invited ole BillyBob from next door over to try out the goods. BillyBob was a God-fearing man so he politely declined while the sun was up, but being a good “Christian” he decided he would maybe go “love thy neighbor” one time as long as he didn’t get caught. Thank goodness for Penicillin.
Jed had women in every bedroom of the house. Upstairs, he even had 3 beds in one room, because he was all about quantity, not quality. He even let them use the bed that his father had died in. I can’t make this stuff up… actually, I am making all of it up, but there’s more.
Jed wasn’t a really good business man. Or maybe he was too good of a business man, because it wasn’t long before everyone in town knew where to go if they needed some blow or if they just need a blow. The mother’s were appalled that something so trashy could be going on right behind their neighborhood park. And they intended to do something about it. The lady who led the charge against Jed? Cheryl… Destiny’s straight arrow sister. She had heard enough stories from Destiny that she already despised Jed. And since she was a pacifist, the only thing she could do was to keep harping on the Sheriff, which was really easy to do because the Sheriff was her husband. She eventually decided to withhold sex from him until he shut that whorehouse down. So finally, on Friday, May 13, Sheriff Barnes (also made up) rounded up all of his best guys and a ram to go shut it all down so he could get laid again.
They knocked down the door while Jed was, in fact, taking a shit in what used to be his mother’s prized possession indoor toilet. What Cheryl didn’t know, was that Destiny was there and she went to jail for prostitution along with Jed and 5 other girls (and one really tired guy). Nobody knows what happened to Shonda. Let’s just go with she cleaned up her act, got the help she needed and is now a productive member of society and never spoke to Jed again.
Anyway, FMG did most of the work and I just walked around looking for clues for this story that is 100% completely made up. Oh, and I cleaned Jed’s 4 year old shit out of the toilet.