My Mom Was Almost a Sister Wife

My mom recently called me because her sister got pissed off that she had let a couple Mormons in her house. Not because they are Mormon but because they are probably going into lots of other houses and my mom has COPD and will likely die if she gets COVID-19. So my mom calls me thinking that maybe I’ll say it was fine because they are wearing masks and she is wearing masks and they are 6 feet apart.

I didn’t say it was fine. I told her it was pretty stupid and made her promise not to let them in again. But mostly I just wasted my breath because my mom has a brain injury and while she can live on her own and pay her bills (mostly), there is a critical thinking / decision making part of her brain that just doesn’t do what it should.

I mean, you can literally talk her into anything (except exercise) with little to no effort. A homeless lady once talked her into letting her in to use the phone and somehow managed to walk out with an armful of VHS tapes. Not that you can do anything with VHS tapes anymore and she probably did us all a favor by decluttering the place, my mom still let her in.

So the day after the “should I have let them in” phone call, I stopped by her house and she read me this note she wrote to the “Elders” giving them back their “Bible” aka the Book of Mormon. AND THEN…. she proceeded to tell me how she had agreed to be baptized AS A MORMON!!!!! ON HER BIRTHDAY!!!!

Her birthday is in less than a month. Now, this is the same lady who forced us to go to a catholic school when we were younger because if she “couldn’t give us a dad, she would give us God.” And they weren’t even going to “baptize” her at her house. They were going to pick her up, unbeknownst to her entire family, and take her to some, what I imagine, underground Mormon sister wife kidnapping ring where she would be shuttled to Utah to become some handicapped sister wife to some creeper named Jebediah and we’d never see her again.

Yes, I know I’ve taken the worst parts of “Under the banner of heaven” and mixed it with a couple episodes of CSI or Criminal Minds but that’s what I figured would happen, because I feel like all Mormons are fundamentalist polygamists.

I do know that’s not true, but I also think that all Trump supporters are secretly racist and beat their wives. There is really no reason for my unreasonable beliefs, I just think that over the top anything people are kind of cray cray and shouldn’t be trusted.

My mom has neither read Under the Banner of Heaven, which is an excellent read, by the way, nor has she ever watched an episode of Criminal Minds- Derek Morgan or no Derek Morgan. So she doesn’t know just how crazy people can be. Especially the fundamentalist version of any religion.

So after hearing everyone in the family tell her that she probably shouldn’t become a mormon after being Catholic her whole life, she has decided against getting baptized, kidnapped and becoming a sister wife to Jebediah in a tiny Utah town and has decided to stick with the version of Jesus she has come to know and love without Joseph Smith’s influence.

At least for now.

Hopefully they won’t be able to change her mind, but if they do, then I’m going to have to brush up on my Mormonism and figure out what kind of clothes they wear in Utah.

But seriously, if you are Mormon, I mean no offense. I have a disdain for most organized religions in general because I think the hypocrites have become more of the rule than the exception. And, since the mormons are the ones who knocked on the door to convert my mother, they get all the jokes. I honestly wish it had a been a priest, because I’m really good at Catholic jokes.

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