Feeling Like a Total Negatron

I spent the end of last week in a deep dark cloud of pessimism. On my social media you would likely never know. Maybe you would have been able to tell I wasn’t present as much. I didn’t post as many recipes. That’s mostly because I didn’t cook as much. And what I did eat was fast and not so healthy. The only healthy things I had last week were basically my supplements. I thank God for my nutrient shakes. Without those, I may not have gotten any nutrients at all.

This is the way of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Nothing has to happen to make me slide down into a funk. It’s actually more of what doesn’t happen. That usually includes me not getting outside enough or the sun not shining enough when I am outside or me not eating right, which is super ironic, because when I feel bad I don’t eat right and when I don’t eat right, I feel bad.

Also, I’ve been worried about our finances. We both work, multiple jobs, but like I mentioned before, we managed to accrue a bunch of credit card debt for this reason or that. I’m not a fan of being late on payments or not paying bills. I used to not care about things like my credit or about paying off my debts, but now, it keeps me up at night. Mostly because I want to possibly sell my house soon and buy another one in Florida. And if my credit is messed up or if I have too much debt, then I won’t be able to do that.

So that one little thought got into my head last week and ruined my whole week. All I could focus on was what we didn’t have. I am usually the one who says, “don’t worry about it. It’ll work out.” But I did not have that energy last week. Last week, I barely had the energy to work out or get out of bed. I managed to do both.

So yesterday, I sent my crossing guard boss a message telling him that I was putting in my two week notice and I started looking for a better job.

That job is only for two hours a day and if the weather is bad or if COVID decides to close schools, then I don’t work, which means I don’t get paid. That’s usually OK for one day, but over the last month or so, it has added up to a whole week or so without pay. And while I’m usually good at hustling up more money or finding a writing gig or something to get me by, I’ve been not so great at it lately.

I’ve been trying to start this coaching business. And the first year is a lot of work without pay. So I have felt like I’m working triple time with single pay. I knew it would be like that, but with my other incomes falling, I am feeling it extra this month. Flea Market Guy has gone back to his second job to make up some of the difference because he is amazing. And we just decided to put the pedal to the medal and work our asses off for the next 90 days doing literally any gig presented to us (that is not illegal). And then we should be fine. It’s not like it’s a bunch of debt, but it’s enough to make me uncomfortable because I’ve never really had any.

I’m basically just complaining. Not because I expect a solution, just because I’m human and sometimes we need to get the ugly out so we can get back to being beautiful.

With that said, I’ve been scouring the internet and magazine sites for publications I can submit to. Freelancing is my happy place. I’m not an office working 9-5 kind of person, but I may end up having to do that for a while if I can’t get my head right in the very near future. I’ve also applied as a travel blogger to a company in the mountains. And I’ve applied to jobs that I truly don’t want and hope I don’t get a call back. I’m such a choosy beggar.

I basically just need Spring to get here so I can plant some veggies and get some sun. Or maybe I just need a trip to the ocean.