Can’t blame a girl for trying

Somewhere over the last couple weeks I lost myself again. Why are bad habits and old ways of thinking so hard to break? October came and while I always initially fall in love with Fall and all of the things that come with it, my seasonal depression works double time to take root in my brain and make me want to throw in the towel.

This year has been no exception. As much as I try to keep a smile on my face and act “as if”, I’ve been really struggling the last couple of weeks. I have been slacking on my workouts. I have been slacking even more on my nutrition. I have been slacking even more than that on my writing. It seems I have basically given up.

I woke up today with a change of mindset or at least with the intention of a change of mindset.

Sometimes I think I should have gone to school for psychology. I’m always fascinated with the way the mind works and how we are so quick to self sabotage while simultaneously attempting to help other people become the best version of themselves.

I am perpetually guilty of this. I will help people until I am exhausted and falling down, but when I think about taking a day off for myself, I’m filled with guilt. Why do we always make it a point to be the martyr? It’s not even like I do it for the accolades. I’m just genuinely more concerned with other people’s well being than my own. Or at least I have been.

Since I started my wellness journey, a few things have become more and more apparent to me.

  1. I can’t help other people if I can’t help myself. So I have to focus on my mental and physical well being before I can keep giving to others.
  2. You can’t want someone to do better for themselves if they don’t want to. You will quickly wear yourself out expecting people to want the best for themselves when they haven’t gotten there yet.
  3. We are all in different phases of our journey and some people will never get to the point where they want to be better humans. Some people like living in their misery and don’t want to change. And that is their prerogative. It has nothing to do with you.
  4. It’s OK to leave people behind. You are not supposed to be surrounded by the same circle all of your life. It’s one thing if your circle is changing in the same ways you are, that’s great (and rare). But, if you are the only one in your circle that wants change, it’s ok to find a new circle.

I have not mastered the above things. I still have a hard time taking no for answer when I want to help someone that doesn’t want my help. I still have a hard time of letting go of long time people in my life even when I know they are no good for me. I don’t think we are supposed to do everything all at once though. I think as we learn and grow, some things get easier to do. The things that used to be hard, get easier. And sometimes, the things that used to be easy, get harder. That’s just a part of it.

I took today off. It’s my first full day “off” since September 23. And while I’m not technically “working,” I am sitting here thinking of all the things I want to write. I’m thinking of all the cleaning I should be doing. I’m thinking of all the rearranging and laundry. I’m thinking of all the things I want to get accomplished today so that the space surrounding me is more conducive to my peace of mind and mental clarity. It will all involve a bit of work and not much laying around, but I don’t mind working when the end result is a peaceful and happy space.

I have made a new day’s resolution because I didn’t think waiting for the new year was a great idea. My goal is to write something here every single day. I know I’ve said that before and have not followed through. Good intentions with no follow through is definitely one of my character flaws. And like I said earlier, some easy things get harder and some hard things get easier. Either way, I’m trying. And you can’t blame a girl for that, right?

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