The End

Today is the day we are putting our girl to sleep. It looks like all of our timelines have finally met at the crossroad. Last night she quit walking and now she can’t get up. A part of me is a little relieved because now I can let some of the guilt go, but another part of me feels like we waiting too long because now she won’t be able to walk into the vet’s office with any dignity. We will have to carry her.

I am not looking forward to 3pm. I am not looking forward to life without my four legged best friend. I didn’t know the idea of this pain would hurt so much. I can’t imagine what 3:15 is going to look like.

Who knew that you could love an animal almost as much as you love your kids? And you do it even though they have never been able to utter a word to you. Yet, they show you daily that they love you through all of your bullshit. No matter how happy or sad you are. No matter how angry you get for something. Even if you lash out at them, they just keep loving you.

I want to be one of those “smile because it happened, don’t cry because it’s over” people, but I cannot stop crying. Every time I think of life without her, I can’t help myself. She will never follow me into the office again and lay down under the desk while I write. She will never follow me into the workout room and lay on the rug in front of the door watching me huff and puff while attempting to do cardio. She will never follow me into the bedroom again and climb up on her bed to sleep next to ours. She will never drag a stick bigger than her head around the yard or run after a ball. She will never bark at the neighbor dogs again. After today, she will just be a memory and I’m not quite to the acceptance part of that grief.

I always knew she wouldn’t live forever. I just didn’t think saying goodbye would be so hard.

My only thought for today is that I hope one day I learn to love the way that she loved me.