RouletteWeekend

Yesterday was a rainy day full of thunder, lightning and sideways rain beating at the window for most of the day. The clouds rarely help to elevate one’s mood. Especially not mine. I tried to make the most of it by staying busy. Will and I have decided that I do not need to rush to get another job if I ever rush to get one again.

I’m not good at punching a clock. I never have been. I think I mentioned yesterday that my anxiety always wins. I have this rose-colored glasses way of looking at life where I just expect that people are going to do what’s right and if they fuck up, then they will at least take accountability for it and do the next right thing. No, I’m not trying to be a comedian, but that theory does always turn out to be laughable because people rarely do what’s right especially when they are in a position that they perceive as “powerful” or “important.”

I recently had someone tell me that they were more qualified at social media because they have a “background” in marketing aka a degree from 20+ years ago before social media was even a thing. Instead of accepting my help and expertise because I have taken multiple courses on social media, engagement, community, content, etc., and my personal social media pages had almost as many followers as their business page, they decided to treat me like I was less than because they had some sort of self-importance complex they just couldn’t get past.

And the reality of it was that I just wanted to help make things better, more fun, build a community, which was supposed to be the mission of the organization. As the old adage says, actions speak louder than words and no matter how many times I tried to do the next right thing, by having the hard conversations and trying my best to not let it get to me, it did, in fact, get to me and I lost my will to be there.

I used to be hell-bent on giving a 2 weeks notice. I’ve even trained numerous replacements to do my job. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that most companies, especially in an at-will state (where they can fire you for no reason) would not give a two week notice before letting you go. They would just fire you and hire someone to take your place. And I’m not so full of myself to think that I am not replaceable. We all are and I think that is a good thing. Nobody should hold all the cards. So I had let the stress pile up and up. I’m usually good at handling it, but, for me, stress is best handled head on. I don’t like having to push my frustrations down because it brings my anxiety up.

The day before I quit, I thought I was having a stroke while sitting at my desk. The inside upper part of my right arm was aching. The back of my tongue felt like it was cramping up and the pain was moving down my neck. That was after I had a sever pain in my neck the previous day that I had to massage for hours. Will and I made jokes about all the Google diagnosis it could be, but on the inside, I knew it was my anxiety.

I was diagnosed years ago with anxiety. I used to take meds for it, but didn’t like how grey it made me feel. Most of the time, I think I would like to be able to feel something versus nothing. Unless that something is a tongue cramp that moves down your neck and makes you feel like something is going to burst. That feeling, I would gladly numb.

Over the years I’ve learned to function with my anxiety by meditation, eating healthier, taking suppliments, exercising, journaling, and even writing this blog has helped. I only took the prescribed meds for about a year or less before deciding that I wanted to try a more holistic approach. And for the most part it works.

As I’ve been thinking about the most recent act of quitting a job, though, I’ve realized that maybe the reason I have had so many jobs and why I am so quick to quit is possibly because of my anxiety. I am in no way a recluse nor do I want to be. I actually really like being social but it does deplete me sometimes. And I fake it well. Two things that are not unique to me. But I also don’t drink and I don’t smoke weed, so the “coping” mechanisms that are sometimes used to deal with stress and anxiety aren’t on my go to list.

So, I’m going to continue to work on figuring that tidbit out, but I do believe that between my unwavering desire to have faith in people to do the right thing and the fact that when they don’t it somehow affects my anxiety levels especially when I’m told that they are going to, I need to find a way to make money by not having to work for someone else.

I’m not sure what that will look like. But I do know that this is not the first time I have written these words. I think I’ve had this blog for about 13 years now, so I dare not even guess how many jobs I’ve had in that time but if I had to, I would say at least the same as the number of years I’ve been running to this keyboard to clear my head.

So I can admit that I am ultimately the problem. I won’t even add a “but” here. I’m the problem. And my problems are exacerbated by poor management, bad bosses, bitchy coworkers and toxic work environments.

And I’m sorry to the good co-workers who get caught in the crossfire of my departures. It’s not personal. It’s anxiety.