I’m a Happiness Robot

My best friends say they have never seen me cry in the twenty years they’ve known me. I guess I’m not much of a crier these days. I remember when my two oldest kids were super young and times were really touch because I was a teenage mom, I cried a lot! I also think a lot of that was panic attack, anxiety crying. I have always been anxious. When I was a kid, I couldn’t even get scolded without crying so hard I would start to heave. My siblings would always make fun of me. Even now, my older sister still makes jokes about it and fake pukes in my lap. I can laugh about it now, but back then it seemed like life or death. Mostly death. So I grew up trying to stay under the radar. It never bothered me for my mom to yell at me . That was a regular thing in our house. She had four kids. There was a lot of yelling so I was used to it. I usually only got upset when men scolded me. Even bosses at work could upset me if they accused me of something or called me into the office for any reason really. I’m sure my therapist, if I still had one, would say it goes back to issues with my dad, but doesn’t everything go back to a mommy or daddy issue? So maybe over the years, I have learned to cope with things better than I did in my late teens and early twenties. It was probably the countless self-help books I used to read or maybe I’ve just matured. I don’t feel like everything needs a reaction anymore. Especially if that reaction is going to make my eyes swell up, my face get blotchy, and force me to put on some form of make-up, because I actually do not know how to put on make up. And that kind of makes me want to cry. But just for Crystal and Liz, here are some reasons why I’ve cried in the last twenty years:

The death of my friend, Marvin.

The death of a couple of relationships- so that counts as crying a couple times

That time I rented a computer from Rent-A-Center and told the kids that it was from Santa and then I couldn’t afford to pay for it and they came and took it back. I laugh about it now but I cried like a fucking baby that day.

Quite a few  panic attacks before I found meditation and my fuck it attitude

And most recently, when April Kepner and Jackson Avery’s baby died on Grey’s Anatomy. I cried through that whole episode and went to work the next day with puffy eyes and no make up (again because I don’t know how to apply it). And I shed at least one tear every Thursday during Grey’s.

I know there are other times I’ve cried that I am forgetting about so if you are reading this blog and you know me and have seen this phenomenon, feel free to drop those memories in the comments so these two will stop hailing me as some sort of happiness robot!

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