Don’t Take Away My Patchouli

I saw bachelor #3 again yesterday. We saw each other early and went for a small hike at the nature center. It was nice and relaxing for me. It was more like an exercise in torture for him. We are night and day. We always have something to talk about and that’s nice. But then there are a lot of differences that make me question why I even try to get into a relationship at all. Ever. I’ve always joked that I would be alone forever but like they say, there’s always a little bit of truth in a joke. My favorite color is purple. He doesn’t like purple. I love my patchouli lotion. He doesn’t like it so I don’t wear it anymore when I know I’m going to see him. My dogs are my family and are welcome in my house and on my bed and on my couch and on my lap, and he’s only ok with a small dog in the house and a big dog in the backyard. He goes to church every Sunday. I don’t go to church at all. He likes to watch Judge Brown and Hot Bench. I’d rather not watch anything especially anything with commercials. But then I wonder if those are fundamental differences or just “opposites attract” differences, because we do have interesting conversations. And he’s sweet and loving and affectionate. He’s a 5 O’clock guy. And I’m used to dating 10 O’clock guys. Not even dating really because it’s not dating when you are only seeing men for sex and mostly at their convenience. It fills a need, but it’s not fulfilling. What I have been looking for is fulfillment, but I’m starting to think that nobody can make me as happy as I make myself. I want someone who makes me laugh like I laugh when I’m on a three way call with my best friends. I want someone who knows that 3 days before my period I am homicidal and either leaves me alone or brings over chocolate and a shovel. There’s a lot of validity in the argument that you should marry your best friend, but unfortunately all my best friends are already  married. And women. So I’ve settled for 10 O’clock men most of my life,  because I liked the freedom of it and because 10 O’ clock men don’t try to change you because they don’t know anything about you and they don’t care.  Bachelor #3 has all the opposite properties of a 10 O’clock man,  but my gut is still not convinced and I wonder if it’s him or if it’s me. Plus dating is time consuming. You have to make all that time for a person or for people only to find out most of the time that it was not time well spent at all. And you put off doing things you would normally be doing to try to find the “one” and  I think that’s when you start losing yourself in a relationship before it ever really starts. And I’m not sure I’m ready to lose myself. I just really found myself and I like my patchouli lotion. It makes me happy. And without it I’m sad. And if I can’t wear it when I’m with him doesn’t that actually mean I’ll be sad when we’re together? Fuck dating. Fuck it so hard…

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