Put Your Penis Goggles Away

I was going to tell you how I’m no good with compliments and  about the older semi-creepy bus driver who told me I had a great smile when I got on the bus today and then stopped me when I got off the bus to ask me if I knew how pretty I was and that if he could only use one word to describe me it would be delicious, and it made me super uncomfortable, but then I got a text from one of these online dating guys and it really ran right through me and made me want to go on another dating rant. I’m not a male basher. At all. I love men. I love them a lot and I’ve loved a lot of them. And although I don’t expect a lot from them, I do have certain expectations like, I don’t know, respect! I gave this man my number and at this point I’m using the term “man” loosely. He’s been texting me. He’s one of the ones who just popped up at my job because I made the mistake of telling him where I worked. The first time I wasn’t there. The second time I was. And he tells me that he finds me exotic, but maybe he should have said erotic. His words not mine. At this point I already know he’s looking at me through his penis goggles. But he keeps texting hello’s and hi’s and I wasn’t going to be a dick. During our first few conversations he makes a joke about being a virgin and it’s been a running joke since then. He was trying to get me to look at his band’s Facebook page and I couldn’t pull it up so he asks me for my page and I’m thinking it is so he can friend me and send me the page, but he didn’t he just looked at my stuff I guess.

So he starts texting me again today and this is part of the actual conversation:

Him: I just left your page

Me: I’m a very active facebook-er

Him: I see

Me: I’m kind of famous  (insert the laughing with tears emoji here a few times)

Him: I still don’t know why you can’t pull up (random band).

Me: Me neither

Him: I see we have a mutual friend

Me: Who?

Him: (insert random name here).

Me: Yes I do. He took my virginity.

Me: (Insert laughing tears emoji a few more times) I’m totally kidding. I don’t know him biblically.

Him: You got me on that one… Because I wouldn’t have any plans on making your toes curl if u actually did whew

Me: Haha. Oh really?

Me: Although you shouldn’t have any plans on making my toes curl since we haven’t even been out yet.

Him: I had plans for you to take my tongues virginity

Him: You’re right mzz angie im just confident that we will like each other

Me: (and this is where I lose my shit) Nope. That’s the problem with dating in current times. Men think it’s ok to approach the subject of sex before even getting to know a girl’s favorite food or color. Comments like that mean one thing to me and that is that you want one thing and I don’t need that one thing. I want other things. Many other things. I can walk out of my house for that one thing and find it in ten seconds. That’s not the thing that women want.

And then he proceeded to text me an explanation of how he’s not after sex, he’s after a soulmate and he just thinks we have a lot in common. I don’t even know how he would know that because he knows nothing about me because he’s a 10 O’clock man (See Don’t take my Patchouli Away). Is my vagina your soulmate? Did your penis goggles tell you that? Do they have x-ray vision? What. The. Fuck? And then my block list got a little bit longer…



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