I spent the night with my unboyfriend last night. We’ve seen each other about six times in the last few weeks, since Prince died, and of those six times, there has only been sex twice. And he wonders why I get confused and frustrated. Not that I mind not having sex but it’s always been what our relationship seemed predicated on. But I try not to bother questioning our relationship anymore because I will never figure it out.
We don’t even talk about it, but if we were going to, I think I would start the conversation out with, “What the fuck?”
First, no sex. Then, spending the night while his kid is there. And finally, more no sex. I thought that was the basis for our whole “un”relationship, but apparently we have evolved into something else, or at least I thought we had.
Whenever I mention this unboyfriend situation to my friends, two things would happen. Thing one: they get that goofy lovers looks on their face and say, “awww, he loves you.” And then I quickly inform them that he is not capable of feelings. Thing two: they always say, “I like him, you should keep him.” And then I quickly inform them that you can’t tame a lion and he will never be mine.
And just when I was getting used to this situation again. He had to go and ruin it with a lie. Like I may have mentioned before, I know he sees other people. I do, too. So I guess I have no room to get mad, even though I do sometimes because my emotions run deep for this one and if he wasn’t seeing other people, I probably wouldn’t be either. So last night, I spent the night with him. We fell asleep on the couch. No sex was had. I got up and went to work. He has a pattern that is very predictable. When he is not going to invite me over, he stops messaging me around 3 or 4. When he is going to invite me over, he messages me all day and into the evening. It’s just what he does and I know his pattern. I know all his patterns. So tonight, he is not messaging me. So just for the hell of it, I messaged him. He messaged me back and I asked him if he wanted company. And he lied. He could have said, “I’m already having company.” He could have said, “no, not tonight.” But he made up a stupid bold faced lie, like I was a stupid bold faced idiot.
And I lost my shit …..through text. I cussed him up and down. It’s been two years and I’ve never said a foul word to him. I even used the word “fuckboi” in a sentence. That may or may not have been the tequila. At this point, it’s anybody’s guess. Thank you Preservation Pub for making large shots.
Earlier, I had written how you just have to love people the way they are and accept them for their quirks. Well, me and tequila, say Fuck That. You and only you determine how you will be treated. It’s not like this is some huge secret. We’ve been told this all our lives. “You have to respect yourself before you can expect others to respect you.” “You set the tone for how you will be treated.” And “they” whoever “they” are, are right. Unboyfriend is unworthy of the kind of love I have to give. Sometimes, I get mad at myself for loving so fast and hard, but it’s who I am and I have no regrets about it. I’m sure one day I will meet someone who appreciates and can return my brand of love. Until then, my block list just got one name longer, and I will continue to make all these delicious mistakes that I make every day, because a little bit of heartbreak every now and then is not going to make me bitter. Or change the way I love, which is with all I have.