Streams of Consciousness? 

I had a very long and tiring weekend. I took off work Friday to volunteer at Bob Dylan’s Birthday Bash downtown. It was full of great music and great people. And Sam Quinn was there and I got to take a picture with him….swoon. If you don’t know who he is, I suggest looking up some of his music. He’s kind of amazing. And it’s not because he’s super hot. He’s not. I mean, he’s handsome and even maybe sexy in his own way, but that’s not why I love him. I love him because his voice could melt chocolate and he’s super nice and has great energy. Seriously, he let me pretend to bite his face off while he pretended to look scared. I’m not sure how many famous people would do that. 

Anyway, after that little shindig, I got home kind of late-ish and had to work 7:30am-5pm the next day, so I was super duper tired and just couldn’t get myself together. And I’m pretty intense when I’m not tired, so add to that my exhaustion and I started getting lost in my head again about this whole Prince Charming thing.  My exhaustion coupled with my sinicism had me doubting that this guy is everything he seems. I was irritated and being doubtful. Very doubtful and all I wanted to do was sleep it off. 

It’s weird being with a really nice guy. And when I say really nice, I mean, really fucking nice. Like genuinely nice. Not fake, just trying to get a piece of ass nice.  Here’s a little background on him. I’m not sure if he would mind that I share this, but I feel it is necessary so you get the gist of things. He lost his wife 11 years ago. She died while giving birth to his daughter. Fast forward to this weekend, he spent the majority of it with his mother in law (her mother) because she had a limb amputated and she doesn’t really have a lot of people to help her. So I’ve only seen him sporadically over the last few days, because he’s been at the hospital with her. 

Someone asked me if it bothered me and, of course, it doesn’t bother me, because I feel like, if he can love someone so much that he still accepts her mother into his life, even though they don’t always get along, I just wonder how much love is this guy capable of? Seriously, he’s like my hero. Not that I know very many widows (widowers?), but if I had to guess, I would guess that continuing to be a family doesn’t happen all the time. Maybe it does. Hell, I don’t know. Either way, I admire his loyalty to her. And it makes me question even less his motives with me. I know not everyone has a motive, but most people do. 

Take TK the DJ. I haven’t mentioned him for a while because he fell out of the picture. Actually, what happened is he got swept into the douchebag category. I left my favorite Nalgene bottle in his car. He was having a music thing at a park. The night we went out, he invited me. I had talked to him on and off between then but when the day came for the show, I messaged him that I would maybe be stopping by and I’d like to get my water bottle. And then crickets. So I assumed he was probably busy getting stuff together. Too busy to take 3.4 seconds to message me back. I go to the music thing with a friend and he acts like he has no idea who I am. Granted, it was dark the night I went on the road trip with him, but I recognized him in the daylight. And then it dawned on me that he was probably there with someone. Which was fine because all I wanted was to get my water bottle not make a baby, but when I waved, he totally acted like he didn’t see me, so I was like, “fuck my favorite water bottle, I’m out.” And I left. It’s been a week. It was a week to the day actually and I get a message from him that says “hi” and then he goes on to say that he still has my water bottle (no shit) and he can bring it to me. And then he asked if my kid was home. I think he was hoping I would say, “yes, please do bring it and let’s get naked while you’re here,” but I didn’t. I just blew him off and went to bed. I was supposed to text him today about it, but I opted against it. Maybe I will tomorrow.  Or Maybe I will just forget about the bottle because I’m not sure if it is worth it. Just in case you are wondering, I don’t know why I didn’t approach him at the music thing. I was out of place there and my anxiety was on high alert so I was trying to be invisible. And maybe it worked. Maybe he honestly had no idea I was there even though he was standing two feet from me talking to someone. I just don’t really care enough to overthink it. 

So back to Prince Charming and his lack of motives. He couldn’t be more different from just about every man I have ever met including previous DJ. And I keep trying to talk myself out of whatever it is I feel for him, but it’s impossible to do because it’s so very evident that he’s amazing and that I am smitten. I miss him when he’s gone. When he’s talking, I want to touch him. Not inappropriately, just his face. Or his arm or the back of his neck. And it’s a nice feeling. I think a lot of what I keep trying to avoid is diving in head first, eyes closed to this situation, but I think for the most part, I’m already in too deep so these streams of consciousness that I keep running into or attempting to run away from are going to have to cut me some slack before I end up drowning. Or maybe I’ll just put on some floated and keep enjoying the ride.