I’m Not an In-Betweener

Someone said to me that I give too much too soon when it comes to relationships. When he said it to me, I knew it was constructive criticism, because I tend to be a “failure” in the traditional sense of relationships and I think in his own way, he was trying to help. Even though it hurt my feelings, I didn’t have any hard feelings for the truth being spoken. Like they say, the truth hurts, but I already know that I give too much too soon. I always have. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, though. I only really have two sides for pretty much everything… I have 100% and I have 0%.  I don’t have much in between or on the fence when it comes to most things. With that being said, I can definitely go from one side to the other of a subject with little notice and I think that gives the idea that I am indifferent. For instance, in relationships, I admittedly give 100% from the very beginning. My friend said that’s why people don’t feel the need to try so hard with me because they don’t have to work for anything. They just take what I’m offering and enjoy the ride. Fair enough, but I’m the same way with jobs, friends, causes, etc. If I believe in something enough, I’m going to give every ounce of energy I have into making that “thing” work. I don’t care how much blood, sweat, tears, or heartache has to go into it to make it work, that’s what I’m going to do until I see that the other person/people involved aren’t as invested as I am and then I will quickly go from that 100% to the other end of the spectrum. It’s very rare that I go from zero to 100, but I guess it’s probably happened a time or two and could maybe happen again.

After he said that, though, I started thinking, what if I was always at zero percent? My life would be completely different. I don’t even think I could be one of those people who doesn’t get excited about anything. I know I take things to the extreme. I get excited about everything: mismatched socks, puppy breath, yogurt, sunsets, salt water, sand, my favorite songs, chocolate cookies, a cool breeze on a hot day, grass under my feet, birds singing in the morning, the smell of honeysuckle, any Ben & Jerry’s core concoction ice cream. And I get passionately upset about many things too:  intolerance, ignorance, selfishness, political warfare, economic inequalities, racial inequalities, back yard breeding, euthanasia, environmental blindness. If I didn’t care about everything and every one so deeply, I don’t think I would be me.

I’m ok with putting myself out there to get excited, or to get hurt, or to get angry. I like feeling the emotions of life. I might not be emotional in the sense that I can cry at the drop of a hat like a “normal” person, but I like feeling joy, and happiness, and awe, and love. I like hearing laughter and seeing the clouds dance across the sky.  And I like giving 100% of myself even at the cost of wearing me thin at times. I’m not ready to give up on the good in humanity just yet. I’m not ready to throw in the towel and accept that the world is just going to be a shit storm. I’m not ready to resign myself to the fact that I can do nothing about any of it. So I do what I feel like I can do. Maybe I do too much. Maybe I should focus more on myself, but the way I see it, there are enough people focusing on themselves, I don’t need to be one of them too. So I will be me, 100% because I don’t know how to be an in-betweener.

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