I finally talked to James (of the order of protection, broken window fiasco). We weren’t supposed to talk but after I cooled down from our fight, I missed not talking to him and I knew he wanted to talk to me so I reached out to him to see if he wanted to talk about the madness. And he did. So we got together and had a nice long talk where I found out he didn’t break my window and that was just a case of perfect timing on the part of the universe. I know. I know. Maybe I’m stupid for trying to talk to him, but I don’t like conflict. I don’t like carrying around anger in the pit of my soul. I don’t like feeling animosity. It all makes me physically ill. And it did. I couldn’t breathe through my nose. I got a cold sore on my lip and my nose and it just kept growing. The more I thought about the resolution or lack of, the worse it got, the worse I felt. Apparently, I’m a sensitive person despite my hard exterior. Maybe my exterior is not so hard. I guess it’s just that I always try to be so strong and for some reason, he is my weakness. Maybe I’m in the habit of him because we’ve been around each other in one way or another for the last two years or so. If not romantically, then professionally and though he makes me mad and drives me crazy and sometimes I want to dig a hole in the back yard the size of his body, I still love him. It sucks being human. I guess we are all a product of our raising and our environment. I’m not going to start a nature vs nurture debate. Like I said a few days ago, I’m just going to try harder to accept people for the way they are and not the way I want them to be, especially not him. He says he’s working on it. And I do believe him. And I’m working on it too. I know I’m valuable to him and his life is, if nothing else, a little more peaceful with me in it. And sometimes all you need is a little peace and someone to love through the madness sometimes.