This is for entertainment purposes only. All advice received should be recognized as unprofessional advice fro a professional smart-ass.
Also, sex questions pretty much make it to the top. Would you expect anything less?
Why do women still lie/deny giving head to men? I know back in the day, if you admitted that you “gave head”, you were considered a “hoe”. What is your opinion on this issue?
Dear Suck It,
I have never known a time when giving head made you any more of a “hoe” than putting out in general. Women have always been held to a double standard when it comes to sex. If we do EXACTLY the same thing a man does in the sex department, meaning, have sex with more than one person ever in our lives and/or tell our guy we aren’t a virgin, then we are “hoes.” So my opinion on this topic goes a little something like this: suck the dick. Suck one dick, two dick, red dick, blue dick. Leave no dick un-sucked. The more the merrier. After all, how will you ever perfect your own dick-sucking technique if you don’t practice? And I say this for all the men who recently have told me (and there have been a lot) that they would rather not get a blow job at all if it meant getting bad blow job. Yes, there is such a thing as a bad blow job. Imagine if you will, the guy who has his face between your legs and is doing that weird Hannibal Lecter thing to your clit where he’s trying to suck it through the cute little gap in his teeth or, my personal favorite, when they try to rub your clit instead of licking you, but they are like a heavy handed DJ spinning a concrete record. Ugh…. you know bad oral sex exists. So, yes, give the blow jobs, unless you aren’t good at it. And you should know if you aren’t. If you would like to be better at it, let me know, and maybe I’ll write an instructional blog or better yet, make a video.
I am a 50 something year old female who wants a relationship but can’t seem to find men who are relationship material or who want to be in a committed relationship. Do you have any suggestions on where to meet single men who are through with playing games?
Tired of the Games
I think the key word here is “find.” We rarely find anything when we are looking for it, that goes for the perfect outfit and the close-to-perfect man. You are going to find the one who compliments you when you stop looking for him. Get busy doing the things you love. Take a dance class, a cooking class, a wine tasting class, a sip and paint class. Get out on the town. Mingle. Have fun. Go places by yourself. Nothing gives a man more confidence than talking to a woman who is alone and doesn’t have her five closest friends staring at him when he tries to get your attention or your number. When you stop worrying about what is in front of your face, it usually falls right at your feet. And when all else fails, try the men’s room. Guys are really nice in there.
My wife is amazing. She gave birth to our three beautiful girls and I love our family and our life together. BUT (you knew there was a but) she gained so much weight with the third pregnancy and she is making no effort to take it off. I love her, and I want her to be healthy for me and the girls… but really the problem is that I’m not attracted to her physically. Like 0%. I feel like an ass hole for even saying that out loud. But the truth is the truth whether I shout it loud or bury it deep down inside. What can I do to help her get active and eat healthy with me?
Dear Turned Off,
You, sir, are not an asshole. Sure, your wife has given you three beautiful kids and it is normal for her to put on weight, but in all reality, that is not the package you signed up for when you married her and it makes sense that the physical attributes that turned you on then, that are gone now, would cause you to not be attracted to her anymore. It’s a natural thing. It’s no different than the girl who gives her guy a blow job every night until the wedding night and then she refuses to suck his dick at all. You signed up for a certain “thing” when you got married, and when it changes, it’s natural for you to feel like, “whoa, what the fuck happened?” But with that being said, you don’t want to hurt her feelings and you definitely don’t want to tell her you aren’t attracted to her and hopefully you aren’t going out and getting it anywhere else. Have a talk about the food first. Blame it on the kids. Tell her you’ve been doing some research and you’d like to take the corn syrup out of the house so everyone can be healthier. High fructose corn syrup packs on tons of unwanted calories (which is a whole other blog in itself) and it eliminates A LOT of food that she may be eating, including sodas and snack cakes. Suggest going on family walks. Get a family membership at the YMCA and tell her you’d like to go play in the pool with the girls. Water burns double calories and once she gets to swimming around and playing she won’t even care that it’s exhausting. Plus, maybe she will meet someone who will help keep her motivated. I promise you, she probably wants to lose the weight just as much as you want her to, but parenting is tiring and sometimes when we women have to sacrifice, we sacrifice ourselves before we let our family suffer. And check on her mental health and physical health, there may be a medical reason why she has not been able to lose the weight— depression (real or B12 deficiency), thyroid, etc… And lastly, fuck your wife. It burns calories and increases endorphins which give you more energy. If you can’t manage to stay turned on, just go with doggy style and imagine she’s someone else.
I have two questions for you. How do I know when I am ready for a dog?
How do I know when I am ready to get married?
Dear Tick Tock,
I don’t know if we are ever really “ready” for anything. When you plan something like dogs and kids and husbands and then you get all those things, you are most likely going to go to bed and wake up every day thinking, “what the fuck was I thinking?” But when you are going to bed and waking up every day thinking that you are missing out on what everyone else has or what they think you should have, you beat yourself up thinking that you aren’t doing well enough in life. Dogs are great. If you get one, keep in mind they live for 10-17 years. If you are single, you may meet a man who doesn’t want dogs, or doesn’t want dogs in the house or, worse, is allergic to dogs. Then you will start questioning that first decision in order to get to the second decision, am I ready to get married? So I guess to answer your question, get a dog. Get a senior dog who only has about 4 good years left. One with one paw in the grave but 3 firmly planted by a tree. And then, go ahead and marry the dude who goes with you the day you have to put your beloved to sleep. Because he’s gonna be a keeper. Or you could just do that thing where you flip a coin, heads you are ready, tales you aren’t, and then as it is in the air, you usually think about which side you want it to land on. You have to trust your gut on this one, because there is really only one right answer for you.