I spent a very small part of my weekend mending my kind of broken heart. I can’t really say I was completely and utterly heartbroken. It wasn’t like I moved in and unpacked at the heartbreak hotel…. It was more like a short visit at the heartbreak hostel, just there for a night, not a long stay, and I was ready to get out of there as quickly as I could. So little birdy that I was halfway seeing started exclusively dating someone else.
And I wasn’t mad that it happened so much as how it happened. Because if I’m being completely honest, I could likely list a dozen reasons why it would not have worked between us anyway. Yes, I’m just saying that because of the bitter taste I’m still holding in my mouth. Because I could also come up with a dozen reasons why we would have been ideal together. I guess both are moot points now. Anyway, birdie and I had been “kickin it” occasionally for the last little bit (yes, I could be more vague, thanks for asking) and I really liked this fucking guy. He was kind of like the epitome of that phrase, “If you want something you have never had, you must be willing to do something you have never done.” He was not the kind of guy I am typically drawn to, but from the first day I met him, I was drawn to him. Like everything about him. And it wasn’t sexual either. I mean, of course he was sexy, but I wasn’t trying to be sexual with him. I just liked him as an all around person.
He had a girl when we met. I have rules about that, so we just had polite conversation in passing. But the more we talked, the more I liked him. Then he was single. The more we talked, the more I liked him. Then we hung out. The more we talked, the more I liked him. Then we started sleeping together. And that was all she wrote. I pretty much had met the kind of guy I would be with IF I was going to be with someone seriously, which I keep telling myself that I’m not because of a whole list of reasons that may be included in another blog later. But the more I was around him, the more I really liked him. My feelings went against everything I stood for, but I was keeping my mouth shut and not getting overly affectionate because for some reason I stay perpetually guarded. I feel like if I act like I love someone or I am too touchy feely or express too much feeling, I am opening myself up to rejection which I do not handle lightly. Does anybody? So I let our hang out sessions be just that. Light, easy, breezy, no pressure, friendly hanging out.
Obviously, one of two things happened. Thing 1- he never felt anything more for me than what we had going on which was random trysts on lonely nights or Thing 2- Because I didn’t open my mouth, he had no clue how much I liked him and so decided to settle on someone who was overtly ooohing and aaaahing over him. But in my defense, I couldn’t open my mouth to tell him how much I liked him because I didn’t actually comprehend it until I saw his Facebook status change this weekend to “in a relationship.” And then I pretty much went through the stages of grief in fast forward-
Shock and Denial- “No. This has to be a mistake. I was just with him last week.”
Pain and guilt- “What is this feeling? Am I going to cry? I should have said something earlier, it’s all my fault.”
Anger- “The mother fucker could have given me a warning text! Like, ‘hey, doll, we’ve had fun but I’m going to try something a little more serious, it’s been really awesome, peace out.’ or something.”
Depression, reflection, loneliness- “It’s ok, pups, as long as I still have you, there’s nothing we can’t get through.” And then I ate a whole container of chocolate chip cookie dough and a container of peanut butter no bakes…..with wine.
The upward turn- “Just gotta get back on that horse— even if the horse may never be the stallion that he was.” (sigh)
Reconstruction- “What did you learn from this? Will you be more open with your feelings next time or will you just continue to be one of the guys….. who happens to have a vagina?”
Acceptance- “Stop calling her names and saying she looks like Tori Spelling. Be happy for him. He deserves it. And you deserve someone who will fall all over himself to be with you. Life goes on.”
So all that happened in about 2 hours. Like I said, fast forward. And then I went to sleep feeling much better about life and the future of my love life.
Until I woke up and saw some lovey dovey bullshit from his page that pissed me off and hurt my feelings all over. And then I had to repeat steps 1-7 again, but this time it only took me as long as it takes to shit, shower and shave. A record for getting over loss, I’m sure. And I unfollowed him, not to be confused with unfriending him on Facebook. I mean, I still like the fucking guy.
It’s not like I don’t have a shit ton of options. I really do. I just liked him the best. And I had slowly knocked off most of his competition because as I just said, I just liked him the best. So now, I’m back to square one, looking for someone cool to hang out with who is awesome in bed. And I’m dreading getting back on the internet dating apps, it’s just so fucking time consuming, and stressful, but I’m gonna try a different approach this time. Stay tuned for that.
So, in closing, if you are just fucking with someone, this goes for guys and girls, and you decide that you’ve found your “the one” for the moment. Do everyone involved a favor and tell the person/people you are fucking with that they didn’t make the cut. It’s only right. Yes, their feelings will be hurt, but isn’t that better than unknowingly forcing someone to eat chocolate chip cookie dough dipped in wine?