It’s been five days since I posted. I usually try to post every day unless I’m in some weird negative space. Which is exactly where I’ve been. Thanksgiving came and went. Thank God! It was a disaster. As I assumed it would probably be. Between my family making a joke out of the fact that I don’t eat meat and sprinkling bacon and turkey drippings on pretty much every piece of food to come out of the kitchen and the overuse of alcoholic beverages, I was pretty much kicked into anxiety mode. Not the kind that anyone would notice. It starts off as aggravation, moves to rage, ends in withdrawal from life. That’s where I’ve been for five days. Withdrawn from life.
The whole weekend wasn’t a bust though. I did get to see a really good friend of mine. He lives out of town. I’ve known him for about 10 years, give or take a few days. I can always tell that my mindset has changed when I run into people who I put in the friend zone way back in the day and I see them again and think, “man, I was a fucking idiot for not grabbing that one and hanging on for dear life.” He’s one of those people. He’s just a genuinely good dude. He’s smart. He’s funny. He knows how to hold a conversation. He doesn’t smoke. Doesn’t drink in excess. And he’s just awesome to be around. It’s crazy, because, I never really miss anyone when they go. I just say, “see ya later,” and move on with my life. But I’ve literally thought about this guy every day since he left. Go figure.
It could be that whole psychological wanting what you can’t have mindset. After all, he lives almost 6 hours away, but I’m not even worrying about it. Or dwelling on it. I’m mostly just reveling in the fact that good guys still exist and that makes me happy just knowing it.
So I’ve been walking around in this fog for the last few days trying very hard not to let myself slide into what I call my “winter blues.” It rollercoasters. One minute, I’m good and all I want to do is sit down and make handmade Christmas cards (even though I can’t draw for shit and I can barely trace) and the next minute I want to make them with watercolors because I feel like I could cry buckets of tears for no good reason. Or maybe for a thousand good reasons. It depends on the day.
I literally have nothing to be blue about aside from the fact that the sun doesn’t shine as bright or warm as I need it to in order to keep my sanity. And everything is dead. Winter isn’t good for my soul. Maybe I’m too connected to nature. My heart feels like the trees look right now. I need a trip to the beach. I need to smell the salty air and the coconut scent of a hundred tourists’ sunblock. Hopefully soon.
Until then, I will just take my synthetic sunshine and Vitamin B and smile when I walk by people. And when they ask, “hey, how are you?” I will look at them and say what I always say, “I’m absolutely fantastic.”
I tend to think there’s an element of wondering “what if” in most people. I used to work with a girl that I thought the world of, and although nothing ever happened, I still miss her to this day. It’s weird.
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