PSA: Your Vagina

The vagina… it’s a word that makes some people cower in embarrassment. It’s a topic that is taboo in some households. It has about twelve thousand other names like flower, hoo-haw, lady garden, nether region, kitty, cooch, muff, snatch, poon, honey pot, penis fly trap, twat, and my personal favorite…cunt… I love the nicknames. If you have one, stick with it, it’s fine. Nobody should care and if they do, well, just fuck em (not literally, unless….)

Anyway, call it what you will. Nobody cares. Or at least they shouldn’t. What we do care about is how you take care of your lady bits. I walked into a public restroom yesterday and was overpowered by the smell of dirty crotch coming from a stall two doors down from mine. And just to be clear, there’s nobody in the world who can convince me that she did not smell that. I smelled it before I passed the garbage can sitting by the door. And it wasn’t a small bathroom. It was a large, roomy space that was crowded only by the smell of her rotting puss. So here are a few pointers and tips if you fall into the “stinkin up the place” category.

Like I said, you SHOULD smell your own stench before anybody else. So if you think you stink, you’re probably right. If you even suspect you are not fresh, do us all a favor and take a shower.

Keep in mind, your vagina is (or should be) a happy place. You don’t have to scrub it with soap or wash her mouth out with it. You actually shouldn’t put any smell good, internal cleaners in your vagina. Your vagina is a well oiled, and well-balanced machine when it is healthy. You can wash the outer parts, but water is all you need on the inner parts. Water. See how easy that is?

Next, you don’t need the sexy undies. Go for the cotton ones. Honestly, if you smell like the stranger in the stall two doors down, it’s not going to matter how sexy your panties are because they are not coming off. You don’t have to wear granny panties, but the lycra panties and definitely the thongs are not going to be kind to your vagina.

Don’t douche. The same way you don’t want to put soap on the inside of your vagina, you don’t want to throw a geyser of vinegar up there either. The vagina cleans itself. Let her do her thing and just be supportive by keeping her healthy.

Ways to keep her healthy include: wiping from FRONT to BACK. I don’t know why people weren’t taught this as children. You don’t want poo in your puss. So front to back. Not the other way.

Use the bathroom as soon as you are finished having sex. Sure, you are comfy and you’d love nothing more than to fall asleep on a sweaty, heavy breathing chest, but go clean up. You’ll prevent infection that way. It’s well worth it. Plus chances are,  there will still be a sweating and heavy breathing chest to lay on by the time you get back.

If you are super sensitive, make your partner wash his/her hands before you move onto the fun stuff. Our hands are a breeding ground for bacteria, you wouldn’t hold a dirty mop head between your legs, so ask them to kindly wash their hands. You don’t know where they’ve been.

You really are what you eat (and drink). Certain foods (like asparagus and spices) and certain drinks (like liquor) will mess with the balance in your vagina. Those things are just going to happen. After all, a girl’s gotta eat, but you can hydrate. Drink lots of water. Make sure things are getting flushed out. Do you see how helpful water is? Sooo helpful.

It’s natural for your vagina to have a smell. All vaginas smell at some point or another. They also all have discharge at some point or another. Get to know your body. Get to know your smells. Slightly pungent to you = fine. Smells like roadkill to strangers = not fine. If you have a smell, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or a doctor for that matter) to figure out if it’s musty or infection. When in doubt… see a doctor.

And finally, try to keep your body balanced with probiotics. Greek yogurt is good. You can buy over the counter probiotics specifically designed for your vagina.

Drink some kombucha.

And if all else fails, go for the chlorophyll. It kills lots of smells. Not to be confused with chloroform that will make someone pass out. The lady in the stall next to me didn’t need chloroform… she already had that effect going on.

So anyway, no, I am not a doctor (yes, I may be an asshole). But in doing my duty as a concerned woman, these are just friendly suggestions (that you should use to your advantage). Take care of your vagina and it will take care of you!