Death of a Salesman

So I mentioned yesterday in my not so subtle rant that Flea Market Guy and I are pretty much done or may be. I’m not so sure what happened.

He went out of town on a sales trip. In the midst of his trip, I found out he was still online dating because I asked him and he skirted around the question. So I made a new profile so I could look. And it wasn’t just that he had a profile, but that he was still actively using it. Normally, I wouldn’t care., but he had said weeks earlier that if we were still seeing each other on Valentine’s day that we would delete our profiles together. I had deleted mine pretty much the day after I had met him at the flea market. Because I knew. Plus, I had been spending all my time with him, why would I want to keep looking? So I couldn’t figure out why he would want to keep looking.

After a while, I told him it stressed me out that he was still on there. He told me that he would delete it. I took a nap and woke up to a message that it was gone. Upon further review, I saw that it wasn’t gone. I assumed that he just figured I said that because he didn’t give me a straight answer about being on there so he assumed I wouldn’t know if he was on or not. I assumed he was trying to play me for a fool. Which I don’t do well at. Especially in what I considered to be the start of a serious relationship. Needless to say, things went downhill from there and he basically ghosted me. I tried calling him, he didn’t answer. I sent him a fairly long email just to get my feelings off my chest (a nice one, not a crazy, psycho, stalker one), and again, no answer.

So now I feel like I’ve been disregarded and the super nice guy that I thought he was turned out to be a lie. Maybe he has things going on that I don’t know about or don’t need to know about. So I’ve been licking my wounds for a few days. I blocked him on all my social media all the way down to words with friends. I’ve meditated on it. I’ve even done some informal hypnosis. Maybe it’s all helped a little. Maybe it hasn’t helped at all.

I cannot lie and say that I’m not severely disappointed. I will lie and say that I’m not a bit jaded. I was even going to get online and make a new profile but that hasn’t happened yet either because I know that I’m not ready. I firmly believe it takes as long to heal as it took to dive in so I won’t date for two months since that is how long we spent pretty much every day together. Maybe it’s healthy, maybe it’s not. I don’t know and I really don’t care. That’s my system.

I’ll just write more. Maybe I’ll get a poem out of it. Maybe he will come around and we can talk about whatever happened. Maybe none of those things will happen.

What will happen, though, is that life will go on. Heartbreak or not. Because that’s the way, right?

We all live to love another day.

And that in itself is always a good thing (I think).