I had someone look at me in shock the other day when I was telling them the story of flea market guy and how I just knew that I could easily do life with him. And he said, “you can’t possibly love somebody in 2 months. That’s just not enough time.”
And I started thinking about it. Is it enough time? And then I started thinking about all the reasons why I couldn’t fact fall in love with somebody in less than 2 months. How I could fall in love with somebody in 2 minutes. Because to me, love is like a first impression. It doesn’t matter if it’s romantic love or friendship when you meet somebody you just know that they are your kind of people. And I’ve spent so much of my life trying to ignore all these feelings that I have inside of me that it was more of a hindrance than a help when it came to my relationships. By not telling people how I felt or what I expected from them or even ask them what they expected of me in the relationship, it really stalled and hurt the relationship itself.
And then I think of the many times as I’ve said, “I’ve never really suffered loss,” it’s not true. I’ve lost a lot of things in my life that changed my view. I lost my father first. Not to death, to divorce. Then I lost my cat. A cat I loved dearly- Rainbow. I lost a grandmother. In high school, I lost my mom to a head injury. Although she is still alive, she has never been the same since. Some things are disappointments, some things are blessings. Sometimes we never figure out which is which. And then I did lose my dad to death. Then I lost Marv, a friend who I loved dearly since high school, to suicide. My best friend lost her son, a child I had known for 18 years, and although it wasn’t my loss, I still felt the pain of it. And then I lost Joe to a prison beating. Even though he’s still alive, he doesn’t know who I am and he’s still wasting away in a prison hospital in Nashville. And then there was Samantha. My confidant. My partner in things of the ridiculous. The person I called when I knew I was being stupid and needed someone to bring me back to reality. The person who would call me when I went dark. She was one of the only ones who knew what my darkness looked like because she knew when I was pretending to be OK versus when I was actually Ok. Samantha may have been my toughest loss. Maybe because I was older. Maybe because it’s the most recent and it still hurts. Maybe because she loved me unconditionally. I can’t say for sure.
But now I am completely free of any thinking that we can get through this life without loss.
It doesn’t matter the extent of it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a break-up, a death, or just time apart in two different places (physically or emotionally). Loss hurts.
And I can readily admit that.
So what does loss have to do with falling in love too fast? I think it boils down to this:
Why can’t I love someone in two minutes? I’m not talking soulmate love. I’m talking human love. Why can’t I make a split second decision to love someone when I see one little thing in them that stirs my soul? I make split-second decisions all the time about not letting someone in my life. And my gut is usually right. So why not with the opposite?
I love hard and fast because I might not have five minutes left. I love too much and too soon because I don’t know when it will be the last chance I get to do it. I say “I love you” to almost everyone I know because I do love them. If they are in my life I love them in some form or fashion. People don’t hear it enough. And I think sometimes telling someone you love them can change their life. Or save their life. Not that I’ve made it my life’s goal to go around saving people’s lives. I’ve actually stopped trying to save anybody but myself at all. But it still doesn’t change the fact that everyone needs to be loved and to feel loved. Especially when they feel like they can’t do anything right. And especially when they are having a hard time loving themselves.
It’s the same with a hug. Or a pat on the back. Or just quiet time with a friend. People need those things.
So, yeah, I can fall in love two months. I can fall in love in two minutes. And when the moment passes, I can swallow my pain and walk away. And I can distract myself until I don’t feel the pain anymore. And I can move on.
But pain is here for a reason. The same way love makes us feel alive. Heartbreak and pain remind us that we are still alive. Because, to me, people who can’t love are pretty much dead already, because what kind of existence is that? And people who can love and do love and get broken to pieces and still carry on, those people will live forever.
So I will love. It’s what I do. And I will write about it. And maybe it will destroy a part of me. But I will remind myself that I am still alive and I will get over it or pack it away in that little compartment of my brain that lets me sleep it off and forget. And I will go on. Always. And with a smile on my face.