One of my friends text me the other day and asked me if I was OK. Of course, I gave her my usual answer when people ask me how I am. “I’m perfect.” “I’m awesome.” “Things are Fantastic!”
And then she told me that one of her friends had texted her asking about me because I’d been “really negative” lately and I’m usually so positive.
So I asked who it was because I assumed it had to be someone from social media. Not necessarily someone who reads this blog or they would know why I was feeling a little “Meh” lately. She politely stopped texting me. And when she did text me again, she changed the subject completely.
I was walking the line between being mad and grateful.
I was mad because my “friend” wouldn’t tell me who said it. I only wanted to know so I could thank them for their concern. And I also wanted to know how I had been “so negative lately.”
Sure, I haven’t been my usual happy go lucky self these last couple weeks. But I didn’t know that I was being held to some sort of standard to be the only person in the whole universe who wasn’t allowed to be anything but happy.
Here’s the thing. I’m always going to be honest. I may not be completely honest when I feel like my world is falling apart and I have to struggle to get out of bed. I may still say, “I’m fine” then. And when things are really bad and I’m not sure how I’ll make it to tomorrow, which happens sometimes (not often, but sometimes), I just stop talking altogether. There are no posts. No blogs. Just silence. That’s when people should worry.
When I’m posting stuff, even if it isn’t the “Funny Angie” stuff, that means I’m working through things.
Like I said, I’m not sure what prompted the person to say I was being negative, because even three days later, I still haven’t gotten an answer and I’m still irritated about that, but it did give me a little insight into some people’s perception of me.
So, yes, I have been negatively affected by love recently. Yes, I am getting through it. Yes, it helps to write about it. No, I am not sorry that my “down” mood is disappointing to some. I am human. I had a bad couple weeks. I drank more than I should have to deal refrain from dealing with things I didn’t want to see end. I broke about a dozen dinner plates and two saucers in my kitchen. And it felt really fucking good. I did, in fact, eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. But it took me almost three days because I didn’t have an appetite. Oh, and I couldn’t stop crying. Outburst of tears here. Outburst of tears there. So, there you have it. I’m not superwoman. I do have bad days. And bad weeks. And seemingly bad months. I’m human. I will always be.
Being positive takes work. And it is work that I am willing to put in because I know it makes the world a better place and it makes the people around me happy and “depressed” or “negative” Angie makes people uncomfortable. And I’m sorry for that.
However, I have found my happy place. I have re-framed my whole life. I have shifted my energy. All the things I have been working on the last couple weeks while dealing with Flea market Guy’s bullshit and excuses for just being a half-terrible human being to me. And I went through all these stages (that I may get into later), but I’m over it now.
Life is moving on. I’m moving on.
So, positive Angie is back. And I have some new outlooks on life, love, and friendship. Stay tuned.