You don’t have to believe in the fantastical, astrological, or other theories of the planets and the universe to know that the last few weeks have wreaked havoc on some of the more sensitive lots of us. I fall into that category. Mercury went into retrograde and it seemed all hell broke loose in my life. I was irritated, frustrated, things were breaking (my heart included) and life seemed generally a mess. It didn’t help that there was also a solar storm a brewing that was also causing strange shifts in energy, which you may have to believe in the fantastical, astrological and other theories to believe that. I think I was affected by all of it.
There’s really too much to get you caught up on in just one blog, but I will try because I don’t really want to stretch it out into post after post of all the negative things that have happened.
So, first Flea Market Guy and I parted ways. A loss that I’ve been lamenting quietly over ever since. And then my car was having major, major issues. I ended up spending almost as much to fix it as I paid for it a couple years ago…. and I had to borrow that money so now I have to pay it back which means I have to kick my hustle in full gear and try to find some more writing gigs or a stripper gig that allows overweight 40-year-old women who don’t like to shave. I’m optimistic on both fronts.
I did get to spend time with Hammock Guy. A lot of time. That quickly turned into too much time which quickly turned super draining to me. Not because he wasn’t nice. It was quite the opposite. He’s very nice. Suffocatingly nice. Like a rose scented pillow being held over my face. But sweetly held. Not maliciously. We did go on a few good hikes and hung out by his fire and spent a lot of time together. Time that, if I’m being honest (and fair), I should not have spent. Because as Mercury came out of retrograde, I started to see things a little more clearly (the meditation probably helped too). And I realized that maybe I was just filling the void of Flea Market guy with Hammock guy because he was nice and he seemed like he would be willing to give me everything Flea Market guy wouldn’t (or couldn’t).
And Hammock guy definitely would and now, I don’t want it.
I got a text the other day from a friend who reads this blog and he was saying how timing really is everything. And it’s not just a theme that randomly pops up. It pops up again and again and again. If things would have gone my way five years ago with Hammock guy, who knows what today would be like. Hell, if I had run into Hammock guy before I met Flea Market guy, I’m sure things would have been different. But now, I keep making comparisons.
And yes, I know it’s not fair. But I’m human. And that’s what we do. We surround ourselves with “what ifs” and comparisons of “what we had.” Normally, I stay away from both, but for some reason, I can’t stay away from either right now. “What if I met Flea Market guy a year from now?” “What if I met him 2 years ago?” “What if I ran into Hammock guy January 15th (a week before I met Flea Market guy)?” “What if I never met either one of them?” So many “what ifs,” but I think the “what we had” is getting to me the most. That comparison is pretty much the death of me (or this thing with Hammock guy). Because that comparison is the one that’s got me in my own head.
I have spent a lot of time with Hammock guy over the last week or so. And when I do, I am exhausted when I get home. Even if we only see each other for an hour or two. And I compare that energy depletion to Flea Market guy. When I was spending time with Flea Market guy, not only was I energized, I was creative. I was writing regularly. I was happy even though he had issues. The last week that I was spending with Hammock guy, I was too tired when I got home to even think about writing and my creativity was gone. And it’s not because Hammock guy is negative. He has really good energy. There is just something that drains me when I’m around him. So much I couldn’t even begin to start a blog which is a problem.
I know it sounds crazy, but I’m a big proponent of paying attention to your energy levels when you are around people because if you are in tune with it, then you know who you should and shouldn’t be around.
Needless to say, I told Hammock guy I couldn’t see him as much this week. I didn’t tell him it was because I needed to check my energy levels or because Mercury is out of retrograde and maybe I feel differently now or even that I miss Flea Market guy and want to drive to his house on any given day or hour.
I guess I will have to have that conversation with him as soon as I see him, but for now…meditation.