Trying to Finish What I Start… Unless it’s a Relationship

I still am not feeling 100% about life, but I did decide that I needed to surround myself with some creative folks again. I’m going to start going back to the dance/performance group that I was in at the beginning of the year. I stopped because I couldn’t really afford the fees and I just fell into a slump, but now I think being around them was what kept me out of the slump. So I’m going to start dancing with them again. And I’m going to start writing again. Or at least trying to make time for more writing. Not the blog. I’m planning on making time daily for that. I mean finishing that smut book I started and finishing the Nora Tree series I started and finishing the children’s book I started and finishing the poetry books I started… Do you see the pattern? I start things and never finish them.. books, poems, degrees, relationships…

I started working on my commitment issues with the Pilot gas station app. They give you something free every day. So I resolved to download the free “thing” and go get it every day whether I use it or eat it or drink it or not. I thought I could use it as a way to stick with something. Thirty days is better than nothing right? Speaking of commitments, I have been on Bumble more than I usually stay on dating sites. And honestly, the only reason I am still on there is that goofy bumble dude that I have a date with on Saturday hasn’t asked me for my number. He’s honestly been a little scarce the last two days, but it’s only been two days so I’m not twiddling my thumbs or ready to give up just yet. Plus I’ve also been talking to a Spanish guy online. He hardly speaks a lick of English. So I find myself using Google translate a lot. I use it at work too because a few of the guys don’t speak English. I thought maybe if I dated a Spanish speaking dude, it would benefit me all the way around. I mean, depending on where he’s from, I can learn Spanish and learn how to cook amazing tostones. I think he’d have to be Cuban for that, but really any fried plantain will do. And I love Spanish. I would have double majored in it in college if it didn’t require that semester abroad. I couldn’t do that with kids. Or at least I didn’t think I could. In hindsight, I should have taken them abroad with me. Then they would be bilingual and have a leg up. But instead, I just selfishly put my love for Spanish on the backburner. And now instead of going to live abroad, I’m thinking, I’ll bring some sexy Spaniard this way to cook delicious food with me and keep my bed warm.

It’s funny because as much as I don’t want to be fully committed to anyone or anything, I still want to have a person in my life. Not like 24 hours 7 days a week. Maybe more like 11 hours/ 4 days a week. But of course, he has to want to give me massages, and go dancing, and sing karaoke, and wash my hair in the shower, and be great in bed and if he happens to be rolling in money, that’s fine too. I don’t want much.

I’m a liar. I want so much. Way more than that little miniscule list. Like I mentioned before, the older I get, the longer the list gets. My friends say it is supposed to get shorter, but I say, it keeps getting longer because I just keep learning more and more what I don’t want and what I do want. And, man, that list is LOOOONG. So long that I have made peace with the idea that there is not someone out there for me. At least not anymore. That probably includes goofy bumble guy, but I am going to at least give him a chance at breakfast… if he doesn’t ghost by then. Or if I don’t. Either way, romance is tough. Maybe I’m not cut out for it. Maybe I’m only good as an ungirlfriend…

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