My White Picket Fence isn’t White at All

Nate called and apologized for breaking up with me. He said he was being premature and immature and he asked me if I would forgive him and if we could start over. Of course, I said there was nothing to forgive and things were good for about a day before I realized that he was right. He is practical, I am whimsical. He is serious, I am a clown. He is responsible, I am, well, not always responsible. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he was pretty much right. We are different and he is easily attached because he wants the white picket fence and the good morning kisses and wants to make coffee in the morning for someone. And all those things are great for other people, but I don’t want a white picket fence. I want a picket fence painted 20 different colors that doesn’t keep the critters out or the kids in. I do want good morning kisses and coffee but only occasionally. Most of the time I want sleep and chai tea. He and I are only complementary to a point and then after that, we are very different creatures. So I brought it to his attention and he agreed that although he jumped the gun on the “breaking up,” we also jumped the gun on the getting together in the first place. Love is a funny thing. Sometimes you feel it so deeply and so quickly and then when you get to know someone you realize it probably wasn’t love at all but an idea of what you think love is and a person who seemingly will fit into your box of ideas. I’m guilty of it too. But I’m also guilty of loving people flaws and all. Which brings me to flea market guy, who called me out of the blue right after Nate and I decided we would just “be” and not put any parameters on anything until we really got to know each other and decided if we actually liked each other or if we were just staving off boredom and loneliness. Flea market guy invited me out on his day off. I accepted. And then I waited for his day off to roll around so he would blow me off and I would tell myself, “I told you so,” and block his number again that got unblocked a few weeks ago with that glitch in the matrix.  But that’s not what happened at all. He showed up. We had a drink. We talked. We took a walk. He took me to dinner. We talked some more. He walked me to my car. He gave me a hug, made a bad joke about going back to his place (which we didn’t) and we parted ways. And just like that, I was head over feet again. Cautiously. But still. We picked up exactly where we left off 5ish months ago. Great chemistry and great conversation. And for the hour or two that we were together nothing else mattered. And I drove home with a smile on my face and my heart right back on my sleeve where I know better than to keep it. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t expect anything great. Or grandeur. But it was nice. And so much less practical and less safe than Nate.  But I still like him too. So, I’m going to go with that “well, it’s not like we are married” mentality and probably just continue to see them both until I can get my head on straight. And maybe once I get my head on straight I won’t see either of them. Time will tell…

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