We all make choices in life that slowly change us. Sometimes it changes beliefs we thought we held dear. Sometimes it changes our perspective to the core. Sometimes it’s for the best and we can be proud of who we are and sometimes we wake up years later and look in the mirror and think “What are you doing?” “What happened to you?” “How did you get here?” “Is this the life you want?”
That was my story. When my kids moved out, I lost my purpose. I was always proud to help someone in need. But one of my main character flaws was losing myself in other people’s needs and never giving myself time to learn and grow in a way that would feed my soul.
It’s funny how we KNOW the things we should do to feel better and get better. We know when we should leave that toxic situation. We KNOW when we should eat better because what we are doing to our bodies is dangerous. We KNOW what things bring us joy that we are not doing anymore because we are trying to make someone else happy, but even though our brains know, sometimes our hearts get torn. Or our hearts know, but our brains tell us we don’t deserve it.
This was my life last year. I KNEW I had to make some changes. I KNEW I needed something different. I just didn’t know what that THING was. And then I found myself watching someone’s stories. She was waking up every day, doing a workout, doing personal development, eating really delicious looking food, and inviting ME to join her.
And I had all the excuses at first. I don’t have the money to spare. I could spend that money on so many other things I want. I don’t have the time. Who has the time to workout every single day? I don’t want to be one of those people “obsessed” with working out. I already know how to eat right. I don’t need to “learn” about nutrition. I already have tons of recipe books. I just need to use them. But I kept watching. I kept watching and wishing I could be the kind of person who wasn’t tempted by sweets and junk, who worked out every day, who looked naturally happy with their life in a picture and it wasn’t a lie. I wanted to be a person who didn’t just watch but who participated in life. But mostly, I wanted to find myself again. I wanted to get to know the real me. I had given 25 years of my life to raising my kids and I wouldn’t change a minute of it. Then I gave another year to helping Flea Market Guy get sober and stay sober. I didn’t think I had much left in the tank for myself, but I knew I needed to try something different. I wanted something different. I needed a change.
It wasn’t a magic pill that was going to make me wake up tomorrow a size 6 with my life in order.
It was going to take work.
But it was work that lots of others were doing right alongside me and that made it way less scary. Others who were sharing their triumphs and their failures, sharing their workouts, sharing their journey. I had no idea that there was even such a think as an “accountability” group.
But I joined because I was lost. I didn’t know if I would find myself in that group, but I did find myself leaning in to the group. Showing up in the group. Showing up for myself.
And slowly, I am becoming that person that I want to be.
I spent the money. I invested in myself. I made the time. I am doing the personal development. I am now helping people without losing myself. I am still a work in progress, but I am making progress.
And now, I have more energy to help others. My mind is in a better place every single day. Do I still have bad days? Absolutely. But I don’t question my purpose or my existence anymore. I wake up happy on most days. I wake up and I want to move my body. I wake up and I want to fuel it with more than Doritos and a Hershey bar. I wake up and I want to show gratitude for the day ahead.
I got what I was looking for a year ago. I am a different person. I am a better person. And now, I get to share all of it to the world. Sure some people roll their eyes at my positivity and scroll right past my gratitude posts, but that’s OK. If I can impact one person who is watching my journey the way that I sat and watched my coach’s journey for all those months, then it’s worth it to me.
My inbox is always open. If you want to chat. If you want a change. I’m here.