RouletteWeekend

Things are coming along in this house in Tennessee. Unlike, politically in the state, I feel like we are finally gaining some forward momentum.

I was on the edge of my seat watching the election results last night and went to bed excited for what the future could hold for the first time in a while. I was disappointed, but not surprised to see that Tennessee voted against their best interest, yet again, but like I said, not surprised, considering 40% of the state has a high school diploma or less for education. I’m don’t want to blame them for being ignorant to the facts. They are just products of their environments, but, I do believe that while we are all doing the best we can with the tools we have, we also have the ability and the duty, to seek out more tools and more knowledge.

That’s all I will say about the politics of this state, because, I myself, am in no state to be pointing fingers. The only fingers I’ve been pointing lately are at things that need to be put somewhere else.

Yes, we are STILL unpacking this monstrous house. There’s been a lot of “put that in the attic” going on. I’m walking a fine line between organizing and de-cluttering and packing away fifty years of my mother in law’s life, while defending my choices to her and Will.

From everything I’ve read, minimal is best for Alzheimer’s. So I’ve been taking anything that is a trip hazard or a place to shove random things out of the downstairs living space and relocating upstairs to either be used in one of the many spare rooms or to be stored in the attic. Meanwhile, I did bring down dozens of photos that were part of mother in law’s extensive collection over the years from the boxes and boxes of photos I found in the attic. I think I mentioned that yesterday and she really loves what I’ve done with the living room.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon working on the dining room and what used to be the sitting room that is now the “office/ library/ future writing room.” I hung all her blue china plates on one of the dining room walls. I put some of the other blue & white china in the fancy cabinet in the same room and took all the extra pieces of furniture out leaving it looking elegant and clutter free. I think it looks great. Less is definitely more in this house. The little architectural details like chair rails, wainscoting, interior window arches and rounded windows make for interesting visuals without needing to put a table or cabinet on every wall, which is what it was like before. And in her defense, the pieces are gorgeous and she’s got a ton of them. I’m sure she wanted to show them off, while also using them to hold things like dishes and tablecloths, but that doesn’t work for our current life and since I’m the one who has to clean and discover where things have been stashed, I pulled rank on the decorating decisions downstairs.

Plus, let’s face it, I’m still sad that we have to live all the way on this side of town so far from all the things I love. I’m working through it, but my resentment of her, Will, this situation, and my financial independence (or lack thereof) has me on a roller-coaster of emotions most days, but I’m controlling what I can. My life is basically one big serenity prayer at this point even if I’m convinced God is dead.

I am starting to accept my fate. Maybe I had to go through all the stages of grief to get to where I am today. I accept that we will likely be here until mother in law dies or she has to go into memory care and we will have to sell to pay for it and while I’m not “ok” with it per se, I guess I am happy for her that she will get to die in the house she built for that purpose. When she built this house, she said she wasn’t going to move again and the universe and her lack of upkeep on this house ensured just that. So for now, I decorate. I make this house feel breathable and positive instead of heavy and toxic. We slowly fix all the maintenance issues so when the time comes to sell, we will be able to get top dollar. Or, we learn how to enjoy living here and in ten years, we have a house with no mortgage in a million dollar neighborhood that I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I belong in.