I started off having a shit day yesterday. I didn’t know which store I was supposed to work in. I got on the wrong bus. I was stressed when my boss called me and I cussed at him and may have hung up on him. I got to work an hour late. I was forced to eat an egg sandwich from Subway (well not really, but I was late and it was close to work, so I was low on options). And I really thought the whole day was going to just be a big shit storm. But I took a few deep breaths. Repeated my mantra “I am light, I am love, I am positive energy.” And I smiled. Like a crazy person. Because smiling, even when you don’t mean it, can make you feel better. So can a few minutes of sunshine, taking a sniff of lemon, or a shot of tequila. All you have to do is pick which one or you could stand in the sunshine, shoot your tequila and suck on the lemon. It’s all really your choice. Life is full of them. And I’m texting my friend, Liz, in Florida the whole time (and Crystal, but she was ignoring us). Liz is always saving the day, because she’s a good friend, Crystal. The conversation went something like this:
Me: blah, blah, blah, complaining.
Liz: Take a deep breath and meditate right where you are. Do not let these people affect your mood.
Liz: And I have news for you!
Liz: Ben Affleck is moving to Delray Beach because he is sick of the fake Hollywood people.
Liz: A new reason to love Delray Beach Angie!!!!
Me: Omg!! I love Ben!! Is he single? New Mission!!
Me: You just improved my mood exponentially!!
Liz: He is single!!!!!!
and then there was more blah, blah, blah-ing.
I spent a large portion of one of my nights in Florida with Liz seeking out a man who lives on Delray Beach because I’m ready to relocate. It’s beautiful there. And it’s a beach. And the houses only cost half a million dollars or so, but it’s beautiful there. And it’s a beach. So I’m going to write Ben a little letter. If you see him or know him or if he’s ever tweeted you back, please share this with him. Thanks in advance.
Dear Mr. Affleck, Ben, Can I call you Ben? Of course I can, I’ve known you forever.
I’m really happy to hear that you’ve made the very big (and terribly smart) choice to move to Delray. I know you are single and you are pretending to be happy, but we both know you are lonely and would like some company. You are no doubt going to buy a house that, after a month or two, you will be sitting in saying to yourself, “why the fuck did I get a house this big? This house was made for a family. More specifically a beautiful funny woman with a foul mouth and a propensity for giving amazing blow jobs. And a kid, but not a young one. Maybe a 14 year old. Boy. Because there’s a basketball goal and I hate playing alone. And why the fuck do I have a dog house and a doggie door and a doggie room and no big beautiful ill behaved dogs roaming around?” And you will look around at all your things and you will know that something is missing. And that something is undoubtedly me. Here is why: You want someone to laugh with? I am like a court jester. You want someone to please you whenever you want it? I’m practically a mail order bride (well I could be for a place on Delray). You want to go out and get it somewhere else? Fine, monogamy is overrated. You want someone to talk to in the middle of the night? I can hold whole conversations while completely asleep. Pizza and beer? I’m all for it. I’m practically perfect. I know it’s hard to believe that someone who is everything you ever wanted actually exists, but it’s true. So, now that you know I exist, good luck in your search for a home on Delray Beach. Things to keep in mind. I would like a screened in porch looking at the water so when we have tea (or sex) in the morning, we can see the ocean. My favorite color is purple, just in case that matters. I would like a chef’s kitchen and windows. Lots of windows. Other than that, just get what you like. As long as we are together…. on Delray Beach…. everything will be right with the world.
A-Lo From the Block