How Many Beers to Gay?

I don’t know if I will ever be able to understand the psychology of attraction, although I’m currently trying to master the law of attraction.  I volunteered at a music festival yesterday and I will for the rest of the weekend, but last night after my shift was over I went to one of the last shows of the day. By midnight, those who had enjoyed all of the day’s festivities were two or three sheets to the wind. After the show, the place cleared out and I was waiting on my friend to wrap up because he was taking me home. So the DJ is still playing music. Amazing old school music, I should add. And people were still dancing. There was a drunk girl trying to lesbian dance with me. Boy, was she drunk. She smelled like she had thrown up in her mouth at least twice but she still wanted to party. Drink in hand, she came over to dance with me. I wasn’t even really dancing so much as I was just grooving to the music. I didn’t have anything to drink so I had not crossed over to white girl twerking, but she had. She had crossed over to something not of this world. So I tried to pawn her off on the four guys who were dancing next to me as her date eyed me suspiciously from his chair. After she was firmly in place with them, I walked over to her date and said, “don’t worry, they aren’t interested in what she has. They’d be more interested in what you have.” And of course he was in denial and said that he had been talking to one of the guys and that the guy was married and just out with his buddies, etc., etc. So I told him that he was a sweet man and to just keep an eye on the dancefloor. At this point he is still in denial and getting jealous that his woman is dancing with these dudes who were clearly dancing with each other and just being nice and entertaining Ms. Inebriation. He goes and starts dancing with his date and the four guys move their little party near the door. Almost everybody is gone at this point and they are making their way out too, but, like I said, the music was amazing. They didn’t want to leave any more than Ms. Inebriation wanted to. So instead, they make their own little dance party by the door complete with male on male grinding. Ms. Inebriation’s date looks at me with shock and horror and all I could say was, “I don’t LIKE being right all the time. They are definitely leaving together.” To which he replied, “well they came together.” And then I just looked at him and said, “and they probably will again in about an hour.” After he finished laughing, he went back to dancing with his woman. Well, she was glaring at him. Women don’t like when you make their men laugh. I’ve noticed this a lot lately. I have to tone down my funny in front of couples because I can see the, “bitch, don’t you make him laugh more than I do” look on their faces. But back to these guys,  I really would like to know how many drinks does it take to turn a straight man gay? I mean, I’ve spoken lesbianese about 8 or 9 Bud Ice’s in, but I don’t drink Bud Ice anymore. Or are they always gay? I don’t really know. Another reason why I doubt marriage. I don’t want to have to wonder if after a few shots and a couple PBR’s if my husband has his best friend bent over in the men’s room. That’s too much for me.

Speaking of husbands. Mister from yesterday’s blog has still been emailing me. And although I want to stop emailing him back, I just haven’t yet or I can’t or I don’t really want to. And he also showed up in the Old City  to see me. I couldn’t talk to him long because he came during a time I was actually super busy so I had to give him the brush off, but he continued to email me all day and I continued to respond. And I don’t know why, because I’m not planning on taking it any further than emailing and maybe dinner. I really like food. But I can already tell that I can’t let it go any further because I will break his heart. I’m not sure if there is a “type” of husband that cheats on his wife, because the only one or two husbands I know who have cheated were both cocky and full of themselves and if I were going to point a finger at a cheater, it would have been guys like those two. It wouldn’t be guys like this one. He came by just to see my face. That’s what he told me and then he thanked me and told me that seeing me makes his heart smile. Cheaters don’t say that. Do they? And he’s so very serious about it. If he was single, he would have had me hook, line and sinker with that one. Maybe. Everything he says is sweet. It’s really the story of my life. Everyone interesting I meet is either married or attached to someone else. Like my friend who took me home. He has a girlfriend, too. And, yes, they’ve been through some shit together. And, yes, it will end one day. And, no, it won’t be because of me. But here’s this smart, funny, talented, sexy guy who is in this imperfect relationship and he stays. I know there is a reason for everything. And I know that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. And maybe I’ve been single for too long and maybe I’m just a dreamer, but on more than one occasion I have thought, “what the fuck is wrong with these women?” I mean, seriously, I have never cheated on anyone, and I’ve mostly dated pieces of shit with the exception of one or two. And these mediocre women have these amazing men and they want to cheat. I don’t get it. I don’t get it at all. And then I start rationalizing why, then, it should be ok for me to slide in and take advantage of the situation, but deep down, I’m a softie. I joke about being cold and dead inside, but I don’t want anyone getting hurt. Not anyone else. I’m ok with being hurt if I’ve put myself in a stupid situation and I usually do, but I don’t want to hurt Mister or his wife when she finds out about me, although I feel that ship has already sailed, because if I was married, I would be probably more hurt by my husband having conversations that were leading to feelings versus him just going out one night and finding someone to screw and never talking to them again. But then again, my logic has always been flawed which is probably why I’m perpetually single. So I’m volunteering again today. All day. And Mister says he wants to see me. And I want to want to say no, but I don’t want to say no. So I will probably see him because of my flawed logic. The more time I spend with someone, the more things I can find that I dislike about them and it makes it much easier to put on the brakes. I’m not proud of my fucked up ways, I just know they work. And I really hope I can find some flaws with Mister because at this point, I’m just all warm and fuzzy.

But I believe in the law of attraction and I must be attracting these guys for some reason. I do my daily affirmations and all that good juju stuff. My friend Liz says I need a daily affirmation about how the right man will show up and sweep me off my feet. So I told her that I would tweak my daily affirmation from “I will meet the right man and he will sweep me off my feet” to “I will meet the right man and he will sweep me off my feet and not be married.” And then she went and ruined it and asked if he was a vegetarian. Which he isn’t and he’s a snorer. I know because I asked. I always ask. So then she said I needed to be more specific so I went with “I want to find someone tall, dark, handsome, big dicked, with common sense, great teeth, a sense of humor, kids over 14, sensitive and a vegetarian. I’m looking for a unicorn.” And then she told me to exclude the unicorn part because God can read a size 6 font and I should be careful what I wish for. So unicorn excluded, now I’m trying to manifest Mr. Right, even though these Mr. Wrongs sometimes feel so right.

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