Yo, B, What the F Just Happened? **

Yesterday was like an episode of the Love Twilight Zone for me. It  proved that I am even more fucked up than I realized.

Yo B (formerly known as Bachelor number one from the Blog Bachelor #3 Wins Round 1) texted me out of the blue the other day. He told me that he missed talking to me. It kind of confused me since the last conversation we had was fairly hostile and I ended up leaving him sitting on the front porch and going in the house to eat his chocolate chip cookies. But he was being pleasant and I’m not a grudge holder most of the time. Plus I didn’t really have a reason to be mad and I have the luxury of having a horrible memory so I get over stuff really fast anyways. He starts texting me again and he’s being nice. We are just shooting the shit and not really talking about anything of substance which is fine with me. It’s just a bunch of “hellos” and “how is your days” and basically he’s just talking to me like I am his buddy. I thought it was kind of weird but it’s whatever. I can be friends with you and then I won’t get mad when you call me “Yo,B” I’m thinking. So I’m volunteering at the festival and Sunday I woke up just sore. My shoulders were sore, my back was achy, I felt like I had a pulled a muscle in my butt and I’m tired. He’s texting me and I’m laying in bed not wanting to move but knowing in a couple of hours, I’m getting up to go do it all again. I told him I was sore and needed a massage and he said “you know I’m a massage therapist, right?” And I’m thinking, “well if that’s the case, I need you, immediately.” I’m not sure if I mentioned earlier that he currently lives only a few blocks from me. So I invited him over to give me a massage. And when I say that, I don’t mean a “sexy” massage either. I mean, my house is a wreck because I haven’t had a day off in almost two weeks and I’m wearing sweat pants and a hoodie and I barely mustered the energy to get up and brush my teeth and take a morning pee. I was tired, borderline exhausted. I still am. So he comes over and I invite in him. I’m basically still in the bed. I did manage to get some coconut oil for the massage. That was the extent of the energy I was planning on expending. So he comes in, I give him a hug. I wasn’t really sure what to expect because last time I saw him he was like sandpaper on a vinyl record to me. But he wasn’t this time. He was nice and pleasant and there to give me a massage. So I wasn’t complaining.

I took my sweatshirt off and he starts rubbing my shoulders with the oil and it’s heavenly. I’m not going to go into large details here, but he basically went from massaging me to petting me to seducing me all in one fell swoop and before I knew it his face was diving in to places that I didn’t even know I wanted him in and he was doing things to me that made me want to sing like Beyoncé if I had even the slightest talent at all. I still don’t know what kind of black magic he was using, but he made me feel things in parts of my body I had forgotten had even existed. And then he left. It was totally and completely 100% about me. And it was terrifying. I’m usually the one giving the massages and doing the mind blowing. It’s my happy place. I’m not usually on the receiving end. As a reminder, this is the guy I met on the dating website that looked so good on paper….. handyman, ex military, environmental warrior, nice teeth….. not the unicorn I was dreaming up, but on paper he was really close. In person, he was a tad abrasive. So I was basically walking around confused all day like, “what the fuck just happened this morning.”

All the while, Mister is still messaging me and still being super sweet (and married). And he wants to see my “beautiful face,” so he came to where I was volunteering and his timing was impeccable because I had gone to check out one of the artists and on my way back he was driving through as I was crossing the street. As I’m writing, it  does seem a little stalkery, but he’s sweet so it doesn’t matter really. So he asks if I’m hungry, and I was, so he took me to grab a sandwich from my favorite spot.  I called it in so  it would be ready by time I got there and we talked a bit and parked and walked to go get it. I gave one of the managers two tickets that I had left for the festival and he ended up giving me my food for free, but if he hadn’t, Mister was totally planning on buying it. We left and headed for his car, but I needed an actual break so I asked him if he would sit with me at an outside table we were about to pass and he said yes. It was pretty chilly and he was wearing shorts and a very thin sweatshirt. I was wearing jeans, a long sleeve shirt, my t-shirt, and a scarf. That’s how chilly it was. But still, he sat with me. Anyway, I open my sandwich that was made with tofu, roasted tomatoes and onions, pesto, pineapple, pecans, and cheese and I offered him a bite. I had no eggrolls around to do the eggroll test, but this was as good as any because dude is Hawaiin and probably lives on spam. He says spam isn’t real meat either so it’s all the same and then he took a bite. And I ate and we talked and he took another bite. And we talked some more and he even let me put a chip dipped in honey mustard in his mouth and he ate that too. He definitely would have eaten my last eggroll. And when we got back to his car, guess what? He unlocked my door and opened it and let me get in and closed it. Of course he did, because he’s a unicorn. A tall, dark, handsome, confused,  married unicorn and I am his mermaid apparently because he is terribly drawn to me. And he’s very verbal about what it is he is drawn to and I want him to stop because my logical, moral side knows how this story ends. My illogical, immoral side let him pick me up when I was finished and take me home even though I could have easily gotten a ride from someone else. Anyone else. And I should have. But I didn’t and so I sat in his car in front of my house talking to him for thirty minutes longer than I should have and honestly if it hadn’t been for Yo, B doing that voodoo on me earlier that morning, there’s a pretty good chance I would have made a terrible life choice, but there was something in the back of my mind saying, “no, no, no.” And every time I thought about Yo, B, it was saying “yes, yes, yes.” It was screaming it actually. So I got out of Mister’s car and sent him back to wherever it is unicorns come from. Wherever it is married unicorns come from, which I guess is back to his wife.

And then I tried to get Yo, B to come over and give me another voodoo massage, but it was late and he politely declined, which was perfectly ok because I was exhausted and didn’t really think I could have stayed awake even long enough for him to drive over. It’s funny how my love life is either a drought or a flood. There is really no in between. All I really want is an in between, though. So the jury is still out on the Yo, B situation. Something has changed. But the unicorn situation has to be dealt with immediately, because I definitely do not need to fall in love with a unicorn. A  super sweet, good looking, married unicorn… ugh….

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