Man Fasting *

I was working yesterday and Mister (from previous blogs) messaged me a few times and I held strong. I didn’t message him back all day. Until I got off work. And then I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to message him and tell him I missed his face and I was sorry for ignoring him and to come by so I could touch him, but nothing has changed since yesterday. He is still married and I am still trying to follow my moral compass. So I just replied in kind to his message and then asked him if he had talked to his wife yet. They were supposed to be having a discussion about the “affair.” Her affair, not his that hasn’t happened yet. Unless it came up. But he said they started to talk about it early in the day and she kept trying to blame it on him and he was getting mad. And then I may have sealed our fate forever by sending him this message:

You had your part. And you have to accept responsibility. If you were doing everything you should have been it wouldn’t have gotten to that point. It goes both ways. Women want time and attention and affection and when a man is not making time for her, regardless of what he is doing for the family, she will be tempted at the first person who offers it to her plus she already knew him and was comfortable. Not that I’m making excuses because it was fucked up but you both did have a role in it all.

And then crickets…..who knew I was so deep and insightful?

But the truth is supposed to hurt. I don’t think I’m supposed to be making it my life’s goal to be dropping truth everywhere I go, but it would be a shame to let that gift go to waste. Needless to say, he hasn’t messaged me back. So he’s either not talking to me because he’s pissed and realizes that, though honest, I’m a horrible person or I totally fixed his marriage and they are working things out. Either way it’s a win/ win situation because I have removed the temptation of those dimples and those huge hands from my life.

While all that was happening yesterday, Yo B (formerly bachelor no. 1) was sending me dirty texts and getting me all hot and bothered at work. He wanted to come by and see me aka blow my mind. And he’s not married. I can’t really hold a conversation with him and the more he talks the more I know he’s not for me, but he didn’t want to come over to talk. He basically told me he wanted me for sex. And it’s good. So I thought maybe we could make that work since I don’t want to accidentally sleep with the married one. And sex is good right? Especially when it’s good. So I text him and tell him I’m home alone and he can come over. I’m ready. He is taking forever. So I text him back. “Are you coming?” He says that he’s on his way and follows it up with, “baby, I’m not feeling well.” (Insert the sound of brakes here). I tell him if he’s not feeling good don’t come over because I can’t get sick. It’s not my thing. And I don’t want some sick guy getting his sick sweat all over me anyway. Then he calls me and tells me that he’s been sick on and off all day. And then I’m like, “well then why the fuck were you trying to get all nasty with me earlier?” Apparently that was when he was feeling ok. But he still wanted to come over. As if I was going to say, “sure, come on over, I’ll take care of you.” And I would love to be that girl but I’m kind of a dude and what actually came out was, “well you better turn around and go home because I’m not taking care of you. I’m not a nurturer.”  I mean, I will nurture my kids to an extent. I will clean up their vomit if they accidentally puke on the floor and they are too sick to clean it themselves. I’ll even go to the store and get them the good ginger ale and then I will stand at the bedroom door, toss it in and tell them they are quarantined until all symptoms have subsided. If they are gushing blood from their head, I will take them to the ER. If it’s just a little blood, they will have to get their own band aid. I think maybe I just lack sympathy or I just think things really aren’t that bad, but one day they will have to do those things themselves. Why not today? So I guess Yo B’s feelings were hurt, too, yesterday. And I want to feel bad. I really do. I just don’t. It’s not like we are friends. If my friend was sick, I’d probably go help out. I mean, if it was cancer or something, but I think most of my friends can take care of themselves. And they know I’m not nurturing. I’m a “you’ll be alright” kind of friend. And like I said, he’s not even a friend. From the beginning, he made it clear it was only about sex so why in the world would I offer to take care of him when he is sick?        Exactly, I wouldn’t.

So now I am officially taking my friend Crystal’s advice and going on a two week fast. A man fast. And to make it easier, I’m coordinating it with the 14-day colon cleanse I’m starting tomorrow. I just figured it would make it a lot easier to say no if I knew I would be running the risk of shitting myself at any moment.

Keep in mind, I’m not doing the cleanse to stay away from men. I was doing it anyway because I’ve been eating way too much processes foods lately and I need to detox and get back to my regular food. And I also ate chili today. With meat. And I’m a vegetarian. Really, the chili probably got my colon cleanse up and ready to go. I’m just waiting for the results to kick in. So…..

Wish me luck on staying away from men for two weeks and possibly more, but more importantly, wish me luck on not sharting myself in public….again, while wearing white pants.

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