Every morning I wake up with doubt about my life. For as carefree as I am after I get out of bed, it is becoming glaringly clear that I should not waste time reflecting in the morning. I usually wake up and try to clear my head with meditation and just not thinking about anything, but many days, I wake up (before my alarm) and I start immediately picking apart my life’s decisions. I have a friend I had been thinking about recently. He’s a drummer. He lives in Florida. He came to visit me once and we spent a magical day together. I almost thought he was the one until he left and basically forgot all about me. We talked sporadically for a few months after and then, of course, I started over thinking things like I usually do and just said fuck it. I didn’t block him or anything like that. We didn’t have a falling out. We just got stale like bread with an accidental hole in the bag. I ran across his picture in my phone the other day and then I went to his Facebook page just to check on him and make sure he was ok. I know I could have called or text, but he’s always busy and I hate feeling intrusive. Anyway, I woke up to a missed call and a message from him as if he were psychic and knew he had been weighing on my mind. I’m sure on my end, the reason he had been there was Derek. Wonderful, amazing, Derek who things are going fine with. I haven’t seen him much over the last week. Aside from him coming by to cook for my friend when she was in town, we have both been rather busy this week. I think I’ve seen him for a total of two hours. And that was split between two different days. The whole situation is still kind crazy and surreal to me. And it is actually hard work to stop myself from sabotaging it sometimes. When we aren’t together, I miss him, but not to the point of crazy. It’s just a little nagging feeling that I just want him in front of me and then it passes and I can go most of the day, not without thinking about him, but definitely without dwelling on our relationship. But he is really different than every single guy I’ve ever dated and it scares me. It scares me because he makes me feel a myriad of emotions all at one time and I’m having trouble sorting out whether it is a good thing. When he is near me, there is never a dull moment. Not that we are always doing something adventurous, because, this week, we are lucky to even be able to keep our eyes open for the little bit of time we have been together, but he just simply makes me happy. We always have something to talk about. He knows a lot of home remedies and natural alternatives to things which I find fascinating (stay tuned for my ash deodorant blog), he’s funny but in a dry punchy kind of way. And more and more, I see him becoming himself around me. Unless, more and more, I am just accepting him for the way he is. I haven’t quite figured it out yet. And when he leaves me for the night, I am struck by this longing for him to come back even for five minutes. And then that longing is immediately followed by fear. How can I possibly feel this way about someone and it hasn’t been a month? And then my inner voice reminds me that I’ve felt this way since day three. And then the fear just settles in like Rigor Mortis and paralyses me temporarily. But I also have this peace, this change that has happened over the last little bit and I know that no matter what happens, even if he walked away today, I will be fine. With or without him. I want to be happy and carefree and just enjoy the ride wherever it is taking me. So I let go and get out of bed to start my day, but from the moment I wake up and for the five minutes it takes me to stretch and put my feet on the floor, those are the thoughts that invade my mind’s space until I come to my senses and tell myself I deserve every bit of happiness he is giving me. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much or been so interested or felt so warmly towards a person that I didn’t actually birth. But I won’t be rushing in to anything because we all know, time is the best teacher so I will just let it take its course and I will try to quiet those insecure voices that keep trying to taunt me in the mornings.
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I love the stream of consciousness format of this post. It reminded me of “On the Road” 🙂
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Wow! That is quite a compliment. Thank you, Jonathan!