My Chaotic Bubble Burst

I try to keep myself in a peaceful place most of the time, but like everything else in life, we don’t always have control over everything. Even though emotions are one of those things we usually should have control over, sometimes our heart gets in the way or our head gets in the way or our physical needs get in the way and cloud our emotions or make us feel things we don’t want to and put us in this chaotic state. Or at least that’s how it is for me. I can always feel when I’m inside my little chaotic bubble. And I can always feel when my little chaotic bubble bursts. I was in a chaotic bubble for the last few months it seemed. I was still my usual happy self, but I wasn’t necessarily at peace. I gauge my level of peace by the amount of supplements I have to take to sleep at night and to function efficiently during the day. I know that’s not really a scientific method, but it’s worked for me for quite some time. I know you are dying to know what supplements right? Well, I take holy basil and ashwaganda for stress. I just recently discovered both of these Indian herbs, but I love them. The holy basil, for me, is like eating a pot brownie. I take a couple holy basil pills and you could not pay me to give a fuck, which is how I usually am on a daily basis until I’m in chaos mode, and then I give too many fucks about everything. The ashwaganda relaxes me but not as effectively as the holy basil, but I take it at night usually. I also take Melatonin and Valerian root to sleep when I’m in my state of chaos because I find that I am restless and I think too much or wake up for no reason numerous times throughout the night so the sleep aids help. I don’t take the melatonin and the ashwaganda at the same time. I will alternate between the two. Not that anyone said to do that, but you aren’t supposed to take Melatonin for extended periods of time so I just figure that would be as good a time as any to. So that’s my all natural chaos stash that I keep in my medicine cabinet since I don’t have any pot for brownies and because I’m trying to stay away from baked goods at least until the appropriate time of year when we all start to put on our “winter weight.” My point is, since I quit my job and quit the guy, I haven’t had to take anything during the day or at night because I am at peace. I have a super chill boss now who has this great energy about him and he doesn’t stress me out at all.  I’ve also found that I’m completely content in my solitude at the moment. I mean, I wouldn’t mind having someone to hang out with and go to the movies and go out to eat with but I guess I have enough friends I can totally do that with them. I’ll just have to pay for myself, which is 80% of the reason I even bother dating, because I don’t want to have to pay for myself. The other 20% is for great sex, but that’s been out the window for quite some time now so it just seems pointless to even bother with it right now. And as soon as I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to be bothered, I was at peace in that area too. Normally by now, I would have been on some random stupid online dating site swiping left or right or doing that pointless fishing thing everyone does, but I’m just so over the bullshit, I’ve accepted the fact that I’m happiest by myself. I’m way less crazy when I’m not dealing with someone else’s bullshit. Not that I feel like I’ll never find anyone for me. I’m sure there is someone out there as fucked up as me, but not more fucked up. Just equally fucked up in a complimentary kind of way, because, let’s face it, we are all pretty fucked. But until I find that guy or until he finds me, I’m cool just flying solo and not in a rush to end up back in a little bubble of chaos because of some dude any time soon. I know every time I say this, I wind up meeting someone the very next day, but I’m hoping the universe is on my side with this solitude thing. Only time will tell.

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