It’s Not a Mirage

According to WordPress, it’s only been 18 days since my last blog. It seems like a lifetime has passed since then. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to blog. I have. And it wasn’t that I stopped writing. I didn’t. I’ve just been writing elsewhere. So I guess those of you who were keeping up want to know what’s been going on so I guess I will start there. My life since the beginning of August has consisted of calling people, writing letters, and praying. Lots and lots of praying. I have honestly never prayed so much in my life. I’ve had lots of despair in my life. Or at least at the time it felt like despair, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this. It’s not as bad now as it was in the beginning. I cried every morning and every night for almost a whole month. During the day, I would try with all my damn might to make it seem like I was ok, but I was so far from ok. I’m not convinced that I am ok now. I just know that it’s getting easier and I don’t cry every day. I still cry though and  I get to see Joe every Sunday so I have a little bit more of a picture of how he is doing. So getting to that. Here’s how he’s doing. Joe came out of his coma. He was in a persistent vegetative state. I don’t think they are calling it that now although he’s still not terribly responsive, he is somewhat responsive now. Like I said, I get to see him every Sunday. I get to sit and talk to him and hold his hands. It’s a weird kind of thing, too. When I hold his hand and my fingers are wrapped in his, it’s like they were made to fit. It feels like we have held each others’ hands a million times before, but we haven’t.  Well, I guess maybe we have  but it was always in my mind. It’s crazy that it took us so long to actually come together and it just so happened it was in the worst possible circumstances, but it doesn’t even matter. When I go see him, the whole world melts away. I don’t know if he even remembers who I am, but I feel like he does. I don’t know if he will ever be the same guy who has become one of my best friends over the years, but maybe he will. But all in all, it doesn’t even matter. I love him with a love that sappy movies and books are made of. I love him with so much of my soul, I feel like I’m missing a limb. And even if he never got any better than he is today, I would spend the rest of my life taking care of him and loving him, because that’s what unconditional means. So now, instead of crying when I wake up, I say a prayer for his continued healing and for his furlough to be approved with lightning speed. And every time I want to cry, I pray instead. I know it is working, because things are moving in the direction that they need to be. Even if it is not moving as swiftly as I would like. But I don’t make the rules. I just have to follow them, which is not a great position to be in, but I will do whatever I have to. Other than that, my life has been pretty much the same. Work, work, and more work. But that’s a story for another day. For today, I just wanted to say I missed you all and I’m still around. I will be back to my daily writings. Let’s consider this the kickoff. Even if I only write three words, I will write every day from this point forward. I’m sorry I disappeared. I won’t do that again. I will give you my raw and unfiltered emotions when I have them to give and if I need to pretend that everything is fine, some days, I will do that, too. And if I just need to vent and cuss and cry, well, I guess that’ll happen here as well, but I won’t stop writing. I know it seems like this thing has consumed me and I guess in a way it has, but I can think of no other way I would rather be consumed right now, because honestly, this whole situation has made me realize that I really do still believe in love and I really do believe love can conquer all.

 

To Love……

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