Self Diagnosis

I recently started this working out thing. It’s not like a real thing. It’s more like, I wake up, shower, get dressed, take the kid to school and then get on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes at the YMCA. I sneak in and out like a ninja. I don’t mean illegally. I do have a membership. I just mean,  I get in and get out without too much conversation or eye contact. I know I should probably wait to shower until after I go. Maybe I will change that part of my routine, but then it throws a crimp in my toothbrushing ritual as I like to brush my teeth while showering. I told ya’ll about that. Anyway, I started this new thing because I’ve been feeling “off” lately. The ex told me just yesterday that he was having a conversation with some people from the old job and they were talking about me. “Not bad.” He said. Just that they all think I’m bipolar. Seriously? It kind of made me mad, because I do know there is something wrong with me right now, but then it kind of made me laugh, because three years of therapy and numerous psychs have never used the words bipolar with me. I wish they had. I’d have been the first in line to sign up for a crazy check. They don’t even make you wait when your diagnosis is bipolar. They just start cutting you checks. So, as much as I would like to be bipolar, I know that’s not it. I know part of my problem is Anxiety. If left untreated, it can present itself as depression and maybe even bipolar. And I have been untreated for years. I know medication can help a lot of people, but when I am on medication, it sucks the creative out of me. I don’t even see colors anymore. My whole world is grey. My dog could die and I wouldn’t even feel it. I don’t like that. I want to feel a range of emotions. I’m not gonna lie, though, the way this guy has hurt me recently, I wouldn’t snub my nose at some Buspirone or Citalopram or something of the sort. I’d like to not feel that. The problem though is that, then, I wouldn’t feel anything. I would sleep. I would eat, probably a lot. There would be no fucking. Definitely no blow jobs (and he’d be mad about that). But the other part of the problem, I am convinced is a vitamin deficiency. A few years ago, during routing bloodwork, I was told I had a B12 deficiency. That, in itself, can cause numerous problems that look like depression, anxiety, bipolar. I can also cause physical problems like forgetfulness, cramping and tingling and numbness in your limbs. And I’ve had all of that.  So I’ve been on this quest for “healing.” I’ve been overdosing myself with B Vitamins. Usually taking a five hour energy in the morning  every other day and supplementing with B12, Iron, Magnesium, Calcium, MACA, Multivitamin. I’m a walking supplement factory (not approved by the FDA). I haven’t been doing it long enough for it to help yet, but I’m hoping soon. Because if it’s not the vitamin deficiency then there’s a very good chance my pet brain tumors are acting up. I’ve named them Tom and Jerry. I don’t talk about them much because they are supposed to be “non-incidental.” I think that’s the word the neurologists used. One on my frontal lobe. One on my pituitary. After I found out about them, I basically just put it out of my mind that they even exist. The problem with that, though, is that once I started having the tingling in my arms and the forgetfulness, my mind started wandering to all the things it could be. After ruling everything else out, my subconscious went straight to tumor. I’m sure that’s not what it is at all, but wouldn’t that just be the most perfect fate? I finally decide I’m going to write and I finally start being productive and I’m very close to making money doing something that I love and BAM! Dead of a Tumor. This is where Arnold breaks into my head and says, “It’s not a tumor!” I love him for that. But enough about Tom and Jerry, I’m sure they are still “non-incidental” and enough about the guy because I’m also sure that my mood swings have way more to do with the way he treats me and drives me crazy and a lot less to do with being bipolar. I am going to continue to focus on the vitamin deficiency. I’m adding Vitamin D to my list as that can cause some of the issues I’m having right now. And I will continue to just go about my life with a smile on my face as usual and maybe, possibly, just go have my brain checked out just for shits and giggles.

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