Saturday’s Deep Thoughts

After I posted the blog about my perpetual happiness a lot of my friends commented that they had never seen me cry. Not just new friends either. Friends who have known me for ten plus years. I know that I have cried buckets over the last ten years, but crying, like everything else is an out of sight, out of mind thing. Especially for me. I pretty much live my life by the out of sight, out of mind motto. I basically live for the moment and love for the moment. It took me a LONG time to get here, though. I used to worry about tomorrow, or next year or five years from now. I used to worry about who loved me or didn’t love me and why. I used to blame myself for shitty relationships and infidelity. Everything was my fault.

I don’t really know when my “I don’t give a fuck” kicked in. I don’t even think that’s the right term for it, because I do give a fuck. I care. I care about everything and I care about it too much. But I also recognize, now, that life is ever changing and ever evolving. I firmly believe that every action we take, every situation we are put in, every place we end up, and every person we meet was meant to be there for one reason or another. I’ve always felt if my life started spiraling out of control, it was a direct reflection of the company I was keeping. I have stopped seeing men. I have let friendships go. I have done these things for something as small as a flat tire and a broken alternator in the same week. I know it seems crazy and maybe I am crazy. I’ve never been one to deny the truth. I think that all of our lives are supposed to go on a certain path. I believe everyone we meet is put there for a universal truth to be discovered. I believe that when you tip the the outcome by keeping someone around who was just supposed to be a short lesson,  you wind up in a shit storm of life that you don’t know how you got there or how you’re going to get out. If you don’t cut those people off, you won’t get out of it. You’ll turn into one of those, “you ain’t gonna believe what happened” people who always has something bad happening to them…. they got kicked out, their car broke, they were late for work and then got fired to boot, their boyfriend broke up with them because they lost their job and they don’t know what’s happening, but then something miraculous happens, the boyfriend who should have never been there that long in the first place disappears and all of a sudden, your friend gets a job, finds a place, fixes the car. The universe aligns. When stuff like that happens, I always attribute it to the universe or God or whoever it is that eases your mind when you are suffering. Things are meant to be a certain way.

That feeling you have in your gut that gnaws at you every day as you punch that time clock….. you know the one.

The one that says you’d rather be doing (___insert dream here___) over anything else in the world, but you can’t because you have to be at work from 7am to 5pm. That voice is the one you have to listen to. When I quit my job a few months ago, I had no idea how I would manage to pay my bills, but I was so tired of working for other people that I didn’t even care. The feeling in my soul that I had to do what made me happy, I had to sit down every day and write, I had to find my happy place, was so overwhelming, there would have been no way for me to ignore it. Choosing to do so would have probably ended my life. So instead, I just put faith in the universe that I’d be able to do it. I found a couple side hustles that didn’t take up too much of my time but still put enough money in my pocket to float through. Whenever anyone asked me for the next three months what I did for a living, which is a top ten question it seems, especially when dating, I would always say I’m a writer. It didn’t matter that I had only made less than $100 on the books that I’d written All that mattered was that I considered myself a writer. That is who I am. Not a secretary. Not a sales person. A writer. Plain and simple.

I write to be happy. When I’m happy things tend to go my way in the universe. When the universe in aligned, it brings the possibility for more opportunities. That is the cycle I want to get into. Not the negative one. So I stay positive. When I want to cry, I don’t. I do things that make me happy as often as I can, like standing up in the middle of Mexican restaurant to dance to Suavemente even thought there is no dance floor. It matters not how small or silly the world thinks it is. Happiness is the biggest reward for anything I do, so if you don’t see me crying, just know that I do (sometimes), but I’d rather find something to laugh about.

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