Dating Attempt #457 

Accidentally swiped left when I wanted to swipe right

And then I accidentally super liked two people I should have swiped left

I don’t think dating is for me

I don’t even know why I got back on Tinder

Maybe for the dick pics that I’m trying to collect for an art project I’m doing?

Maybe I should have just sent messages to all the women on my Facebook. I bet they have enough dick pics to get me to my goal of 365…. PS. Send me your dick pics, ladies.


That was me the other day as I downloaded the Tinder app for the 42nd time. I never make it past the 48 hour mark before I delete it again. I told myself I’m going to go a whole month this time. Because 48 hours is barely enough time to decide what restaurant I want to eat at let alone what kind of guy I’d like to possibly date. So 30 days of dating commences now.

I also downloaded POF again. That’s plenty of fish for those of you who don’t know. Both apps are the equivalent of a sexual meat market….you just don’t have to leave your house to get corny pick up lines sent your way.

I go through these phases where I think I’d like to meet someone who is romantically interested in me. Let me rephrase….I go through these phases where I think I’d like to meet someone who is OBVIOUSLY romantically interested in me. Not just some dude who wants to fuck. Although, sometimes it just is what it is. And I have my dude-like moments where I know I don’t have time for anything but a few moments of passion. Then there are those times where I think, “wouldn’t it be nice to go hangout with some guy who wants to cook me dinner and share a bottle of wine…..before he tries to fuck me?” Or “wouldn’t it be nice to meet a guy who wants to take a walk after dark talking and then end the evening with a nice long goodbye kiss that leaves me wanting more?” I go through these phases. Shoulder shrug… I’m still a girl sometimes…

Sometimes, I’m like, “fuck having a dude,” but sometimes I have these waves of sentimentality where I’m like, “maybe there are some really good single dudes out there and maybe I keep attracting the clowns because I don’t take most men seriously?” Maybe just maybe, if I went out of my way and took my time, I’d find someone I could tolerate or even enjoy.

I know I sound cynical. I am really usually an optimist when it comes to most everything else. I just have a hard time being as optimistic about relationships. I know I am not the only one. Ironically, all my guy friends feel the same way about women. I guess it goes both ways.

Then there is that whole freedom thing. I know that when I’m in a relationship, I start to feel suffocated. Again, could be the caliber of men I’ve been picking (insecure, controlling, etc.). So if I decide to go through with this dating thing, what I’m hoping for is somebody super busy most of the time, who knows how to cook and swim, and wants to spend like one day a week with me in person and then maybe we can talk for 10 minutes or so each day until we both decide we would like to see each other twice a week. I know that is ridiculously selfish and maybe naïve, but I really do want somebody…. I just don’t want a lot of him… I don’t have time right now. I have goals. And some of my goals, like my 365 days of dicks project, may be frowned upon by most men, but I’m on a mission so I need someone accepting of the person I am and secure enough to know that no matter what shenanigans I’m pulling, if I’m with ya, I’m with ya. It really is my main character flaw. But then again, I learned my loyalty from my dogs, so what do you expect.

So far, I’ve already gotten 3 unsolicited dick pics, 99 messages (that I cannot even begin to think of answering all), one invite to someone’s house to get fucked doggy style (yes, that was within the first 24 hours), met a self confessed nympho and I met one seemingly nice, super adorable dude who I actually offered my number to just so I wouldn’t have to keep getting on the stupid app just to see if he messaged me…. yea, he’s that adorable. I knew I liked him when he double checked to make sure I was, in fact, single. I knew he was a keeper… without sounding too bitter, I’m hoping he’s not just a manipulative asshole. I do have a way of attracting those types like a swarm of bees.

Either way, dating is amusing, so buckle up y’all. It’s probably going to be a bumpy ride.

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