Friend Zoned

I read a blog post last night about being in the friend zone. The title got my attention because I’ve been using that word alot lately. The article made the “friend zone” seem like a bad place to be, like a bathroom with no vent after the person before you had explosive diarrhea. I guess if you are overthinking it, maybe the “friend zone” does suck, but I wasn’t looking at it in the negative sense. I think their definition was something along the lines of when you are heartsick for someone and they don’t reciprocate your feelings. Think Ross and Rachel from friends for most of the 300 episodes. I’m not much of a “piner” if that’s even a word. I don’t get heartsick over people. If I like them, I like them. If it’s a romantic attraction, it’s a romantic attraction. If they like me back romantically, cool. If they don’t, that’s cool too. I’ve never stopped being friendly with men who don’t end up liking me romantically. I can even easily be friends with men who I have slept with and it has turned to nothing more even when I wanted it to. So maybe I’ve been using the word wrong the whole time. Maybe I’ve never been “friend zoned.” Maybe it’s more like “friendship zoned.” And maybe that’s a good thing. I’d rather have friends. I actually prefer friendship zoned. I’d rather get to know someone inside and out before anything romantic really evolved, because then you get that whole “pretending to be who you think THEY want” out of the way. You get to know the real them and they get to know the real you and if the two of you decide that you still like each other, I think that’s more than awesome. I also think most successful long term relationships started as friendships. It takes a lot of pressure off both parties. For example: I can tell my friends I love them, because I do. But if I were to tell a guy who I’m “dating” or even just sleeping with that  I love him, holy shit, the whole world would fall to pieces and he would think I was trying to marry him and put him in a cage. Unless of course he was already in love with me, which, let’s be honest, he’d be a fool not to be. (Yes, that is me being sarcastic, I don’t know why there isn’t a font for it). And if I call a guy and say, hey, “I made dinner, can I feed you?” All of a sudden, I’m trying to be wifey. When in reality, I’m just trying to feed someone because it makes me happy and I had extra. Or if I say, I miss you. It  means I’m being clingy. To me, it just means I like your face and I like when it’s in front of mine. I guess it could get a little weird if I called my regular friends and was like, “hey, I really don’t want to sleep alone tonight, would you mind coming over and holding me and stroking my hair until I fall asleep?” Maybe that’s crossing a line, but just know, I’d do it for all of you. (Clearly I’m a better friend).

So, maybe I have a different definition of friendship or something. I think it’s the sex thing. If two people haven’t had sex, friendship is inferred. Once sex is brought into the picture, people want to mistake it as something else. And maybe in the beginning it was heading in that direction, but something happened. You met someone else, or they met someone else or the sex was nothing like you thought and you can live the rest of your life without it and all of a sudden, things get cold. Now there’s just the occasional text message or phone call, you see each other occasionally, but no sex.

I’m guilty of overthinking in cases like this.

What I never usually think (because I am a woman and I don’g give men enough credit), is that maybe men sometimes want to make sure that it’s not just about sex and/or that they are not going to hurt your feelings when it dawns on them that you are not the one they want a relationship with for whatever reason.

I mean, I’ve slept with men, who upon further review, turned out to be people who I would never in a million years want to be in a relationship with. Hell, they weren’t even people I would want to be friends with. It was just animal attraction at its most basic level. I had a need. He had the tool to fill it. That’s it.

I think we forget that men are emotional creatures, too, even though they would have us to believe otherwise. I know a lot of men who want what all of us women are looking for. They want someone to give them back rubs, and feed them, and kiss their face after a long shitty day. I think the irony of that whole situation is that I know a lot of those guys and I have no romantic connection with any of them. It’s so bizarre…..

And I’m no expert on love, sex, or men, this is just my personal opinion, which really doesn’t have to mean shit to anyone (but me, I guess). But navigating the waters of relationships is too difficult, I think I’d almost rather be “friendship zoned” especially if there was still some really good sex in that zone sometimes, but, seriously, even if there wasn’t. Solid friends are way more valuable to me than fair-weather lovers.

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