I’m Not an Alternate Plan

Disclaimer: There may be a few rants in the upcoming days. It is in no way a reflection of my current mood or state of mind. It’s more of a feeling of “emptying out” that I’ve had lately and just needed to get it off my chest. I’m still happy, and smiley, and in a good mood. I don’t need a pat on the butt, to make me feel better.

Actually, a pat on the butt would still be OK.

I’ve been purging my life of people, lately. To be more specific, I’ve been purging my life from  various kinds of peopl: selfish, unknowing, immature ….. I’m not sure what other words would be accurate.


When you’re a woman, doesn’t it always usually start there? (Or hair… or vaginas….)

But today, it’s men. I went through this little phase where I just couldn’t get enough of them. Not sexually, just generally, in  my life. I guess I was looking for something (like a unicorn).  And what I noticed is that a lot of men are either a.) the same as the others claiming to be different or b.) just the same as the others.

I know that I’m not a super unique bird. I’m pretty unique, but I have some of the same issues that women all over the world are having, apparently, according to a Facebook group I belong to.

I have my moments of doubt. I have my moments of self-loathing. I have my moments of depression. The difference between me and most is that I keep that shit all bottled up inside me until it passes or until I’ve convinced myself that it doesn’t exist (like my childhood). Because, for the most part, I like to be happy, even if I have to temporarily pretend. Not everyone has a positive disposition. I get it, but there’s nothing wrong with a little pretending.

I wish men would temporarily pretend to be decent until it actually kicks in. You know that whole, “act as if” train of thought? Act as if you give a fuck, until you do. And if you don’t, then do us both a favor and go away!! If you are a man and you are reading this and you are offended, I’m probably talking to you. If you are reading this and thinking to yourself, “what kind of clowns is she dating?” I’m not talking to you. You probably have your shit together and are making some woman awfully happy as we speak. Congrats to you.. .and her.

I am willing to take part of the responsibility for the conundrum I find myself in. I’m pretty easy going. Maybe too easy going.  I’m not one of those women who is going to call you on your shit every single time. I’m more the kind of woman who is going to smile and act like I don’t know you are giving me some bullshit and I’m just going to mentally file it away until I decide that there’s just too many things and it’s safer for everyone if I just call it a day and delete the number. Or block you if I’m feeling like a simple detetion won’t suffice.  I’m not proud. But like I said, we’ve all got issues.

Recently, I’ve been on the border of homicide. You know, killing people with kindness…. But I may be switching lanes to the less positive more prosecutable kind very soon.

Well, at least I was thinking about it, until I decided that the men are not the problem… I am (admittedly) the problem for:

a.)keeping them around….and
b.)not holding them to a higher standard.

These are some of the issues men have (and I have with them)

  • Late night texts and plans– I’ve probably covered this before. I love spontaneity. I love doing stuff last minute. BUT…. I’ve realized those things should be reserved for friends. Not love interests, because the minute you go out with a dude last minute, you immediately become the last minute girl. The alternative plan to the plans that fell through. And I am not your alternative. If I’m not option one. I don’t want to be an option at all. Call someone else. Don’t call me. I know I’ve set the precedent on this one and I am changing my ways. Why? Because I’m totally worth planning for. And if I keep spending my precious time with people who don’t treat me like it’s precious or people who can’t even make an effort to see me, even if it’s only for an hour or two, then why am I going to waste my time at 10pm because they want a booty call….
  •  Booty Calls– It’s no secret that I like sex just as much as the next guy. I’m even willing to take credit for the newly coined phrase, “blow jobs make the world go round.” But seriously, if you didn’t make me sound like I was standing in the middle of the best Sunday Sermon I’ve ever been to in my life by yelling things like, “Oh Dear God,” and “Yes, Lord,” and “Thank You, Lord,” then please don’t think that it is ever OK to shoot me a booty call text after not seeing you or hearing from you for three weeks. (Yes, I’m aware of the Sacrilege, I’ve cleared it with the big guy. He gave me the thumbs up on Facebook). Newsflash: It’s been three weeks (or more)… you’ve probably been replaced. You were probably being replaced before you got your boxers back on if you were a selfish lover, anyway. Call me a slut if you like, or step up your game and make me want to call you back and/ or answer your calls. Guys have options. Why can’t I, too?  I’m just keeping my options open until Mr. Right comes along to take me on that amazing date.
  • Make a Damn Date- You say to a girl, “we should go out Sunday.” And then you just leave it at that. Sunday is like 24 hours long last time I checked. You can’t pinpoint two damn hours? That’s cool, but don’t get mad when I make plans to do something else with someone else because you were on your way in town for the last three days or because you decided to text or call at 3pm with the “wyd?” You know what I’m not doing? I’m not answering a text at that point. You can call me a bitch, I’ll take that one for the team, but if you can’t manage to put me on your busy schedule, I’m inclined to think that maybe you aren’t all that single.
  • Be Single– I’ve mentioned this before, but I think it needs reiteration. Women don’t want men who already have women. I mean, some do. And for brief periods of insanity (like when the sexy guy with dreads gives me my food), I think, “Maybe I could be a side chick or a mistress.” But then I remember that I’ve been on the receiving end of that deception and I don’t care how nice or sexy or funny or whatever a man is, if he has a woman, he has a woman. And as a woman, I won’t do that to another woman. Also, if you “accidentally” moved in with a woman because you didn’t have anywhere else to go and now you are “accidentally” in a relationship, that’s your issue not mine. I don’t want in that drama. Keep it moving. Or commit to her like she probably thinks you already have.

I don’t really think it’s all that difficult to be communicative (verbally, not like the disease). This list could go on and on. Maybe a part two is in order? I’m just really trying to stay upbeat and positive when it comes to dating, which is becoming a task that is way easier said than done.

Note: The Featured Photo is an actual text conversation… I couldn’t make this stuff up…

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