Where’s the Build-A-Man Workshop?

Men. Men. Men.
I seem to be uttering those words a lot.
I think I mentioned that I had been doing the online dating thing. And then I deleted my profiles… yes, I had more than one. Before I deleted them, I had given a couple guys my number. I didn’t mention how those dates went. I actually went on a date with three of them and I blew one of them off because he was kind of pushy.

The first guy was nice. He was older than me. And shorter than me. And I’m pretty sure my voice was deeper than his. Not that I really care what he sounds like, his voice just didn’t really fit the rest of his manliness. I got used to it over our three hour lunch though so it was all good. And like I said, he was nice, but he wasn’t really smart. Not that he was stupid. I mean, we had decent conversation, but it just didn’t flow well and it wasn’t stimulating, which I need, especially if there is physical attraction. So we went to a late lunch that lasted into dinnertime practically before I finally said, “it’s been fun, I gotta go.”  He’s still texting me. He even sends me really sweet texts. I get a good morning  and good night text every day, which is nice. And he says things like, “If I had a choice between a day with you and picking my dream car, I think the car could wait.” And then I run to google to see if it’s a movie line, because people don’t say that kind of shit in real life (that I know of). But we haven’t gone out again. I’m not quite sure why he hasn’t asked, but I’m not really sure  I would say yes if he did, because there’s just no spark or even interest on my end. And he’s kind of dull and that’s a bummer. But that’s life, right?

Next, I went out to lunch with another guy who was retired military. As the poet would say, “institutionalized, just like you like them.” And that dude was hilarious via text. When I say, he literally had me in tears one day, it’s true.  He was so funny. It was like talking to my friends Crystal and Liz. Both inappropriate at times and just plain funny. And he had these super cute chipmunk cheeks that I just wanted to pinch or bite. But when we met in person, he, too, was dull. That funny guy wasn’t there anymore. I also found out he was still married and had a couple young children, so I guess him not being as funny in person was not the deal breaker.

The third guy I went out with was the most promising of them all. He was from up North. He’s smart. Funny. Ok looking. His kids are older. He’s never been married. He lives alone. Pretty much has his shit together. And then he hit me with the “I’m looking to get married pretty soon.” I almost lost my flip flop running for the door. Which was kind of sad, because I actually saw him three times (in small doses) before he started planning our imaginary wedding. I’m not sure if he looked at me more crazy (crazier?) when I said I didn’t want to get married ever or when I said I’m not terribly opposed to actual marriage as long as my husband is OK with me keeping my house and continuing to live there at least 50% of the time. Either way… I haven’t heard much from him since.

And like I said, the one guy was just kind of pushy so I blew him off. He called me one night and he was out at Ruby Tuesday’s and told me to come meet him. Not like, “hey, why don’t you come by so we can meet.” It was more like, “bring your ass on so we can meet. Hurry.” And I was still going to go until my gut was like, “nah, sister, you’re keeping your happy (alive) ass at home.”

So I’ve been scouring the far corners of the universe for the Build-A-Boyfriend workshop. You know how they have the Build-a-Bear?

I thought I could just go in and pick him out.

I’d start with the brains… he must be smart and be able to carry a conversation. Deep or otherworldly. I don’t care. He must be funny. I like someone who can make jokes and take jokes. He must be loyal and secure and trust me until I give him a reason not to, which I wouldn’t because I built him, right? He must not be crazy or violent.

Tall, dark, and handsome (preferably with dreadlocks and a great smile (really preferably KyMani Marley, but the fucker isn’t calling me)). But even the most average or not so great looking person becomes ten times better looking when they are smart and funny so I guess this would grow on me if the personality was right. Maybe some tattoos and a few muscles. Not too much because that’s not sexy. And I’m pretty sure the bigger your upper body is, the smaller your lower body is (you know what I’m saying)

Which leads me to the next point. He must be great in bed. Not selfish. He must want to make sure that I get mine because we both know he’s gonna get his. Just do me right,  because I will do the same. Not going to go too much into this… we all know…

He must be an excellent kisser. I have to have someone who likes to kiss and knows how. I’m not sure why, it’s just how my body and mind are wired. I’ve blown off (really good) sex because I know I won’t be kissed and caressed, even though the sex is really good, it’s not amazing because I need a physical connection. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll do it to scratch an itch, but I’d go without if I can’t have what I want (I sound so spoiled, right?) But I need touched and petted, even if it is like a dog (which is what Young Marley said when I asked him to pet me, “I will, but it’ll be like petting a dog. I’ll probably pat you on the head.” Fine! I’ll take it, but it still didn’t happen).

Honesty.  I’d really like a man who tells me the truth all the time even when it hurts. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’d rather be hurt with the truth than caressed with a lie.

Cooking skills are always a plus. He doesn’t have to be a chef, but I’m not going to complain if he is.

And then there’s the checklist that I currently use: must not snore, must not have kids under the age of mine (which is 16 years old this month), must not want to co-habitate or see me more than 3 or 4 times a week. Must not use words like “can you still have kids” or “marriage.”

Needless to say, I’m going to be single forever…. (sigh)

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