Happy Monday. Happy New Year!
I spent the weekend in Memphis with the man of my dreams (I’ll get to that part in a second). But I left early yesterday afternoon to come home. I didn’t want my kiddo thinking that I had abandoned him on New Year’s Eve for some guy I just met. By the time I got halfway back to Knoxville, he had already decided to ring in the new year with his girlfriend. So…I rang in the new year by myself. Now I realize that’s a pretty good indicator of who I will be spending the rest of the year with.
Which leads me to my weekend… it was great. Amazing even. I drove to see Off the Record Trucker. I know I know, it’s not so off the record, but it may be over before it ever really started anyway. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t completely bummed out (and even a little destroyed) over it.
This guy is amazing. He’s more amazing than any man I’ve ever met. I get along with him better than any man I’ve ever met. I get lost in thoughts of the future every time I look at his face. So what’s the problem, right?
The problem is he is in a rush to get his life started. The same kind of rush I am to get mine started. But his future looks a lot like my past. And although there is a great probability that I would try to give him everything he had ever wanted out of life (I even thought about what it would be like to have a baby at 43), I have at least a year before I can offer anything. And I know it seems crazy that we are even having these kinds of talks after only 3 weeks, but when it feels right, you kind of have to explore your options, you know?
He wants a family in his house. He wants someone to come home to. He wants kids. And home-cooked meals. And I’m not opposed to any of those things (I don’t think), but I haven’t (in the three weeks since it became an idea in my head) been able to figure out a way to make that work any sooner. I have a kid. He’s been in the same school district his whole life. He has a life here. A life that trumps mine, because he didn’t ask to be here. I know that people pack up and move their kids all the time. I’ve even done it myself. But I just can’t justify doing it now when he only has 2 years left of high school. And he’s happy here. And I respect him as a human being enough to respect that a move like that could break a kid like him. And then there are the dogs. I had a clear plan. Get dogs that would die when they were 10. They are 8 now. Kid free. Dog free. Free to start my new life.
The worst part about it all is that when I try to explain to him what I meant when I said I would be free in 2 years, the only words that he hears (which I guess is how they are coming out of my mouth because writing is the only way I can truly say what I mean) is that freedom equals being carefree and single. And maybe before I knew what kind of man he was, before I knew that men like him didn’t just exist in romantic comedies, that was exactly what it meant. But even now that I know he exists and he is quite possibly everything I’ve ever prayed for to walk into my life, the timing is off. He said it. It’s just off. And maybe he’s right. As much as I want to think I could pick up and go love him for the next 40 years, the timing just might not be right for us.
I want to tell him to go find someone who already has their clothes packed and are ready to move in and get started on the family that he wants. But the selfish part of me wants to tell him that he will look forever and he will never ever meet anyone who will love him like I could if I could only have a little more time to work out the parts of my life that never expected him to exist.
And so the new year brings about new thoughts and reflections on what it is I truly want in life. And more importantly, how to go about holding on to it.
I hope your new year has started out a little less rocky.