No matter how hard I try to be upset that I thought I had found my forever in Off the Record Trucker, I just can’t muster the energy to be mad. Hurt? Yes. In my feelings a little bit? Of course. A little deflated? Sure.
I think I’m mostly upset because we had such good chemistry and I pretty much liked him more than any man who has walked (or driven) into my life ever. It wasn’t just that we had fun together or even that we were compatible in so many other ways, I think I’m most upset because he made me think about having a life that I had pretty much never thought I would ever have. I know I’ve been dwelling on this for the last few days and I swear today is the last blog about Off the Record Trucker.
I’ve been sitting around upset all day because he has pretty much just completely disregarded me. And even though I’m mad, all I want to do is pick up the phone and call him and tell him that he didn’t give me a chance to explain that I was already imagining what life with him would be like. I was entertaining the idea of having another kid (at my age) all because I’m pretty sure that I fell in love with him in the less than three weeks that I knew him. I’m pretty sure I was in love with him before we hung up the phone the first time we talked.
I don’t know if it was the same for him. He made it seem like it was. Which could be why I didn’t completely freak out when he started talking about marriage and wanting kids. And I said all the wrong things, because I just kept saying all the things I’ve been saying my whole life about wanting to finish raising my kids so I could have some sort of freedom. But the freedom he thought I meant was different than what I actually meant. I just meant that I would have the freedom to decide to up and move away from the place I call home. I would have the freedom to spend as much time with him as I wanted. I would have the freedom to start a new life even if it was one I had never really thought about having.
I guess he gave me that gift. He allowed me to see that maybe there is someone out there for me. He allowed me to imagine what a real life with a real man would have been like. Even if it didn’t turn out exactly the way I had hoped for, at least I got a brief glimpse of what it could have been like if it had worked out.
I won’t be upset or mad that things turned out this way. I will take the blame for not letting him know that the idea of a baby was swirling in my head. I should have taken my friend’s advice and just called him and told him that I was willing to talk about it. I was willing to try to work it out sooner than my two year plan. But everything happens for a reason. So maybe he was right and this was just a learning experience for us both. And I really do hope he gets everything that he wants. Because a guy like that should get the privilege of being a father because he’d be really good at it. I’m just sad we didn’t get a chance to see how things could have worked out. But like I said, I’m leaving things to the universe. So I will not cry because it’s over. I will smile because it happened.