Day 4: A Phone Call Broke My Heart Again

Flea Market guy called me yesterday.

Love is a funny thing. So is gratitude. I was so happy to just talk to him that it surprised me. So much that I thanked him for calling like he was doing me some sort of favor. And when we hung up, it was bittersweet. I miss him so much. Not when I don’t talk to him for days on end, just when I get the chance to talk to him and then hang up like today.

But you know how there are people in your life who deplete your energy? There are also people in your life who fill you with energy. He is one of those people. It doesn’t matter if he has the flu or is just at the bottom of his little barrel of life, he still gives me joy when I’m around him. Because he doesn’t really complain and when he does, it’s in a positive way, if that’s even possible.

Even on his worst day, he still makes me laugh. I make him laugh. We have good conversation even when things are in the shitter for both of us. The chemistry is just…there, despite whatever is going on in the rest of our lives.

I said I wasn’t going to pursue love in this 365 Days of Self Discovery and I’m not. I definitely won’t pursue him while he’s getting his life in order. He’s not in a place right now where that would even be an option. And I’m ok with it. I’m ok with never seeing him again. I’m ok with never talking to him again if that happens. But I’d also be ok with doing life with him…forever. If the universe saw fit to make it happen.

I’ve taken the whole Flea Market guy situation as a lesson. Aren’t all things in life a lesson in some way or another?

He actually taught me many lessons. He taught me that there is at least one person out there who I won’t get bored with. And maybe more than one so, if not him, possibly someone else?

He also taught me that I have my shit together more than I thought because for the most part, my life is pretty darn good and I’m pretty happy here. I learned that sometimes what you think is a big deal isn’t and what you think isn’t can be. I learned not to take shots of vodka and attempt to smoke weed unless I want to be professing my love with my face in a dirty toilet bowl and my hair in puke water (and there’s absolutely no way to make that sexy).

But most importantly, I learned that I really can love like my heart hasn’t been broken a dozen times. I learned that I’m not as skeptical as I used to be. And I learned that love and companionship can be beautiful with the right chemistry. And if it doesn’t pan out the way you want, it’s ok to cry and not be so strong. But I’ve also learned that everybody needs love even when they have no love to give, and you have to risk getting your heart broken sometimes. I also learned that it’s not always about what I want. Sometimes it’s about what someone else needs. I’m still working on that part… loving without expectation.

I learned that it would be easy to lose myself in anger or disappointment or heartache if I allowed it.  And I learned that meditation does fix most things.

So even though I was momentarily sad when I hung up with Flea Market guy, I was happy that he called me. I am happy that we talk like old friends. I am not a bit regretful of the time we spent together or that we didn’t spend more. I actually haven’t given up on the idea that we will, in fact, spend more time together (but that’s mostly because I have psychopathic tendencies and randomly invite myself to his place….but in my defense, he always lets me come over…so there’s that).

And every day when I meditate, I send him positivity. Not in the hopes that he gets his life figured out and comes running back to me so we can live happily ever after (though I wouldn’t complain). Just in the hopes that he gets his life figured out so he can live happily ever after.

I’ll be happy no matter what.

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