I finally spoke to Alejandro last night after not hearing from him for 24 hours after he told me that he was going to have dinner with his ex. Needless to say, I already knew the outcome. Not because I’m psychic (even though I am at times) but because I’ve danced this dance before.
As it turns out, I’m a really good distraction from reality. No matter what that reality is. Maybe it’s alcoholism, maybe it’s work, maybe it’s missing an ex. No matter the case, I am the perfect distraction. I was kind of bummed about it yesterday. Trying to keep myself from being hurt or angry. Neither are good looks for me. Bestie told me that she agrees that I am a really good distraction. I am funny and brave, and I go with the flow and I’m just generally fun to be around. I couldn’t be mad at that. I do know how to have a good time. And when I’m in the midst of having a good time, I forget about my own problems too. I know people don’t think I have any, but I promise, just because I don’t complain and I always try to look on the bright side, doesn’t mean I don’t have problems. I just choose not to infect other people with them.
Plus, people are usually too busy dumping their stuff on me for me to dump mine. Which I’m completely fine with. I’m also a really good sounding board.
I guess if I’m being honest, I knew all along it wasn’t going to be anything more than one really good weekend. Especially after he told me that she called him right before he left and told him she was single again.
In my experience, people who always jump from relationship to relationship will never really be happy because they are so unhappy with themselves and they dislike being alone so much that they need to have someone even if that someone isn’t good for them. They’d rather be together and not so happy than alone and miserable. At least the bed is warm at night.
I’m not one of those people. I want to be happy. I want to be happy all the time. I want to know that you want me. I want to know that I don’t need you. And I think that most people should want to know that someone’s being with you is a choice they are making not just because there are no other options at the moment. I don’t want to be option B or option C. I don’t even want to be option A. I want to be the only choice they want to make. Not an option. A necessity.
While we were up on the mountain, Alejandro and I were talking about marriage. Not marriage to each other, just the idea of it. He was a fan of marriage. I’m not so much. And I couldn’t quite articulate it until after I got home, but by then, he was already all wrapped back up in her so I couldn’t clarify what I was trying to say. Not that he probably gave a shit about it at all.
But I think my perspective on marriage is so fucked because I feel like when two people aren’t married, no matter how long they’ve been together, the option of leaving without all the red tape is always there. It’s easy to walk away. Which means it’s not so easy to stay. When you aren’t married but you are with someone you are telling them every day, “I love you. And I still want to do this thing called life with you.” Once you say those vows and you get married, that dynamic changes. Sure, most people may still be choosing to stay since a divorce is only $3000 and a signature away, but for the most part, they stay even when they aren’t happy out of some sort of familial or religious obligation. They can’t get divorced or they can’t leave because “what would the church say? what would my family say? I can’t leave because of the kids.” So they stay. Miserable. Waiting for things to get better but they never do. I don’t want someone who feels obligated to be with me.
I want someone who wants to be with me and only me. I don’t want someone who is thinking about someone else while we are together. Or waiting to get far enough down the mountain to call his ex the first chance he gets. I want someone who likes the way I look at 6am when my hair is crazy. I want someone who finds it amusing the way I string my clothes along the floor when I’ve had too much to drink. I want someone who would rather spend the rest of their life alone than to spend it with someone who isn’t me.
I’d like to say that I’m optimistic that I will find that. But I truly think the odds of finding a briefcase full of hundred dollar bills is more likely to happen. Everyone is just so fucking damaged. Not that I’m perfect. I have my own brand of damage, but I still know how to be good to people. I know how to take their feelings into consideration. I know how to return a text before the 8-hour mark. I know how to express my feelings. I know how to love.
After every date, I’m more and more convinced I will probably be single forever.
Maybe I should start a business called, “The Perfect Distraction” where men can take me out on various adventures. I will get to travel and do cool stuff and they won’t have to think about their lost love for a weekend. I wonder how I would advertise that? (or did I just do it?) I bet my numbers would go through the roof if I put “blow jobs included.” But then I think that turns it into a completely different business.